First some business: I contributed four items to Chicago magazine's 2016 Best of Chicago issue. They include best places to get hair streaks, best kids' clothing store, best old-fashioned toy store and best dance workout. I had a lot of fun giving props to my favorite existing places (like Dance Dance Party Party) as well as scoping out new favorites (going to Beat Street in Kenilworth was a ton of fun.)

Anyway. Something I have been trying to shake off this week is a susceptibility to envy. Lately several people I have known for a long time have been enjoying some high-profile success and/or large-living. This isn't news really--I am lucky to know a lot of talented, hardworking people and so it's cool to hear about their awards or the fact that famous people champion their efforts and things like that. Some weeks, though, I have a hard time moving on. I get stuck in a mire of jealousy.

The absolute ideal, when envy strikes, is to think, "How wonderful for [NAME.] He/she is a lovely, hardworking person and I'm happy that other people recognize that awesomeness." I'm rarely that magnanimous. The more realistic best-case scenarios are that I am able to use that envy as a measuring stick of my own desires (if so-and-so publishes in this publication, then I will shoot for it as well), or, better yet, I am so busy that I barely have time to process the news. More often than not, my envy is borne from social media (an announcement of good news followed by showers of likes and hearts and "Yaas queen!"s) and when I'm truly busy I don't have time to do more than check in briefly on this type of thing.

But when I am in between projects or big professional wins, I indulge in feeling grumpy about this news and really poke at the wound, usually by spending more time than necessary thinking about the thing that's making me jealous (if I'm angry about somebody's vacation photos on Facebook, for instance, I also check Instagram to see if there are more I should feel envious about). I also start imagining an invisible crowd that keeps a running tally of everybody I know and who ranks them all in terms of fame and achievement. Their verdict on me? Sort of pathetic that she still tries to keep up with everybody else when everybody else is really a success.

Sometimes when people get depressed, they feel depressed about their depression, like, What kind of self-indulgent person feels this way? For me, that is the cherry on the envy sundae--being aware that my envy is shitty. I know I have nothing to be jealous of. I have done pretty well for myself as a writer and on top of that have blessings upon blessings from my health to my family to the fact that there is a roof over our heads and the lights are on and we even have money left over to get a hot dog and a beer. What am I bitching about? No wonder I am a small, jealous person. The people I am jealous of never feel jealous of anybody else. They just keep their heads down, deserving everything they get and more.

Lululemon has a motto that goes "Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to." Well, I don't know what the f that means--is that supposed to chide people who feel jealousy, or those who aspire to create jealousy in others? My antipathy towards Lululemon has been well documented so maybe I shouldn't look for enlightenment from a place that sells $100 yoga pants. Until I do find the distraction I need to steer me away from everybody else's good news I try to reverse the tide by congratulating those who deserve it, remembering that every creative person sometimes feels envy towards somebody else (even people whom I have envied), getting offline if I can help it, and also just hanging on and waiting for the tide to turn. I know that when I am experiencing a high, it doesn't bring me pleasure to think about whether there are people out there feeling dark about it--I just feel proud of my hard work or grateful for my circumstances.

I often think about writing a piece about all the people I used to know when they weren't famous who became famous (or famous in m world, anyway). On the dark days, I think of this idea with a bitter laugh, like, Look at all the people who passed me by. On better days I think, that's so cool that I know so many awesome people. My envy won't make them less acclaimed or make myself moreso. I wish, when it strikes, I could just ball up the emotion and throw it in the trash. It's, instead, like digesting some odd food that isn't meant to pass through my system. I just have to exercise and drink water and not feed myself more junk, work it out and leave it behind.