Today is to try a new brand of hot dog.

I was gone over the long weekend, staying on a lovely mountain in Mill Valley, CA. For once, I was sans TV, sans gossip, living practically like a monk (a monk who doesn't like gossip.) But it's nice to come back and hear that Lindsay Lohan is planning on heading to Iraq to entertain the troops.

I'm glad for Lindsay that there is a war going on. It would still be nice for her to go visit standing troops in some lesser war-torn country, but Iraq is risky, and important. The troops need to her to do whatever it is she's going to do to raise their morale. This is, like, special and honorable. She is a true hero. I mean, the troops are true heroes. But she is the real true hero.

We all know Lindsay has had a few issues lately so it just happens to work out well in her favor that she has these handy troops out in the desert for her to entertain (or talk to or show her body to or whatever.) Because everybody loves someone who entertains the troops. Just look at Bob Hope! We all forgot about his partying into the wee hours, his dating of multiple guys, his eating disorders, his movie "Just My Luck" every time he headed over to swing a golf club and sing "Thanks for the memories" to those grunts. Those Army guys are such suckers for a celebrity visitor. Just ask my brother, Jack--he's in the Army. He's not stationed abroad, so he doesn't get the really good celebrities, but he says that they were recently visited by somebody from Wilmer Valderrama's entourage and he said it was very uplifting.

So good job, troops! Good job fighting and protecting our freedom, and good job being there for Lindsay Lohan so she can be there for you. Because if it weren't for you, she'd probably be forced to adopt an African child.