Today is the day to do something purely out of spite.

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Book By Its Cover Review: Silent Birth

As you may have heard, Katie Holmes, who is now into Scientology since she's been dating Tom Cruise, is considering delivering her child via the Scientology-preferred method of silent birth. In silent birth, "babies are supposed to be born in quiet surroundings because Scientologists believe that the words heard during painful or traumatic experiences can later trigger "'irrational fears'" and "'unwanted emotions.'"

I think this is a great idea. I've never given birth before, but how hard can it be? Screaming during childbirth sounds like it's for chumps and weak people. Don't even get me started on people who get 'sad' afterwards (go for a jog!)

While they're at it, they should really encourage 'clean birth,' so that the mother doesn't expel all that grody bodily fluid and whatnot. That kid should just pop out nice and clean and pink, like a football, into Tom Cruise's arms, so he can grin and raise it over his head and then spike it into a basinette.

In fact, maybe Scientologists should recommend that mothers keep babies in their wombs for an extra year or two, so that when babies are born they can be coaxed right into eating solid foods and using the potty. Without all that traumatic infant stage stuff. It'll be a good way for parents to really communicate with their baby, too, as they can read flash cards to the woman's belly as she smiles beatifically (and quietly.)

Also, Scientologists should find a way for women to give birth that's not through the vagina, because that is dirty and wrong. Caesareans are weird too, because they leave gross scars. Perhaps birthing via the head, as Zeus did to Athena. Quietly, though.