Today is the day to put on a heating pad.

Hey! I'll be reading with McSweeneys in a few weeks!

Mrs. Zulkey.com Sez: Hey! Bless you!

Dear Mrs. Zulkey,

A woman that I work with has severe seasonal allergies and is sneezing constantly throughout the day. Do I really need to say "Bless You" and other such things every time she sneezes? In fact, is it terrible of me to never want to say these phrases to anyone anytime they sneeze? It's just weird. Better to just toss a box of tissues without comment (besides a heads-up to let them know the Kleenex is coming) and to stay away from the germs. Eww.

Sincerely,

Tired of Sneezy Dwarf

Dear Not Sick but Tired,

As you say, illness can be so tiresome, particularly when you're not the sick one.

I suspect you are loath to offer the customary "Bless You" because you sense it is a meaningless expression of artificial compassion. Might I remind you how the tradition began? Back in the Middle Ages when your neighbor sneezed it signaled the possibility that dear Lothar might be coming down with a touch of the plague. Your wish for his good health was actually quite self-serving, since you-know-who might be next. So don't think of it as being falsely tender-hearted or solicitous. Consider it a down payment on your own well-being.

That being said, there's a simple way to handle the multiciplicity of sneezes. After the first one, advise your co-worker that your first "Bless You" applies for the entire day. Say it sincerely, then with each subsequent one you can look over with a sad smile, a wink, or a slight nod. You'll be doing her a favor, relieving her of the tedious burden of having to respond with that darned "Thank You" over and over again.

Bless you, my child.

Mrs. Zulkey

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