Today is the day to eat a McDonald's breakfast.

There's been a strange feeling in the force, lately, that you readers need some guidance. I think it's all the Paris Hilton hits I am getting (keep them coming, you perverts!)

But to balance out this horrible depravity, I bestow upon you a new advice columnist at Zulkey.com: my mom. You may know her from this interview.

Since neither my brother nor I live at home, now, my mom has been looking for more people to yell at, and that would be you. If you have questions about romance, cooking and cleaning issues, fashion and beauty, light gardening, parental problems, finances and pet care, gift ideas, sibling relationships, old-time movie recommendations, rocket science, brain surgery, sports or the occasional golf tip, she will help you. She will not help you with sex questions. She may yell at you but isn't that what you need?

To protect the innocent, I have set up an email account where the queries will be forwarded on, blindly, to my mother, so you don't have to worry about her knowing who you are and calling up your own mother.

So write her about your problems and she will respond, possibly not in the way that you hoped, but in the way you know is best. And this will be way more helpful yet not at all like "Ask Jane's Mom" in Jane magazine.