Today is the day to ensure that somebody's Friday the 13th is horrible.

I have no interview today for you, so I present you with a humor piece I wrote for a magazine that the magazine did not want that I am too lazy to shop elsewhere.

Lake Michigan Facts for Out-of-Towners

Here in Chicago, we find that many of our out of town friends, especially those from the coasts, are sadly misinformed about our signature body of water. In the spirit of the Second City, we present some factoids that explain just what makes this lake so great and why it is noteworthy, even if it is located in the Midwest.

Lake Michigan is the sixth largest freshwater lake in the world. That might not be as big as your Pacific and Atlantics, but you have to admit, that's pretty big.

Just like many of your favorite seas, Lake Michigan is sometimes blue, sometimes gray, sometimes brownish and sometimes green.

Boats donít just sink in the ocean, you know. There are shipwrecks aplenty in Lake Michigan. Seriously! Big ones! Not just the occasional floatey raft.

Lake Michigan features waves as high as ten feet. Thatís about what you get in specific parts of Oregon bordering the Pacific. Yes, the Pacific Ocean!

You can have your tsunamis and your hurricanes. Lake Michigan can create waterspouts and seiches, which you probably wouldn't understand (they're sort of a Lake Michigan thing,) but you should still watch out for them nonetheless.

No, Lake Michigan is not man-made.

No, you cannot see across Lake Michigan.

Lake Michigan is as deep as many parts of both the Atlantic and the Pacific. At its deepest, it's 925 ft. That is way over-your-head deep.

Lake Michigan does so have tides, so shut up.

Unlike a stupid ocean, you can drink Lake Michigan's water.

There are no jellyfish or sharks in Lake Michigan to mess with you.

Not that you ocean-lovers care, but Lake Michigan features the largest lakeshore dunes in the world. The WORLD.

Lake Michigan has four other Great Lake brothers that will step to its side if you start fronting.

Lake Michigan does not care who you are or where you are from; it can and will kick your ass.

Lake Michigan is not for sale.