it's back!

Today is the day to thank everybody that was in the Roy Orbison tour.

Oh man oh man. I didn't realize how good I had it until I asked you to send me the meaningless drivel you have to deal with during your jobs after I complained about taking ownership of my work and being proactive. But you made me see the light. You poor sons of bitches.

Who Cares if it's Meaningless? It's Corporate Lingo, and Thus Impressive

From John Gorup:

I knew a guy who had his own consulting business. His slogan on his business card was:

"Your problem is our business."

It seemed vaguely offensive.

I also had a boss ask us to be dedicated to "Outrageous Customer Service."

From Will Layman:

People need to stop suggesting that I am a "loose canon" around the workplace. I am no such thing. The first time I heard this phrase was back in 80s when a Lieutenant Colonel by the name of Ollie North was single-handedly running the foreign policy of the Reagan administration on a combination of boyish charm and militaristic nutjob-ishness. Well, let me be clear: I am not Oliver North, I have never covertly diverted arms to any faction with the workplace, I am not now instructing a secretary to smuggle vital papers out of the office insider her bra, and I show no signs whatsoever of becoming an ideology-on-steroids commentator for Fox News. I am NOT A LOOSE CANON! I occasionally pop off, sure, and I've been known to tell the director's wife a few jokes about my old girlfriend Jessica, you bet. But what are office parties for anyway?

From Justin Sondak:

Catch phrases I'm using for work? How about:

wearing many hats
maintaining focus
more efficient use of my time
anticipating roadblocks
self-advocacy

From Chad Stevens:

When the reviews come in and the meeting reports are all typed neatly (if inaccurately) what my boss wants to see is uniformity of purpose and procedure. The watchword is "Standardization Across Markets." Sometimes, this is referred to as "Standardization of Practices" or "Consistent Standardization on a Regional Basis." Apparently, if we all were to arrive at work, shave our nether regions and dance inappropriately, this would be fine, as long as we all danced the same way, so that an observer from corporate could see that our manager has successfully "Standardised All Operating Procedures." Thank God we are all using the new TPC covers. Because we had a meeting about that.

From Tracy Lyons:

Catch phrases used in the glorious profession of the nanny:

"Never a dull moment at the smith* household!"

What a crock of hoo-ha. The only reason it is so insane at my job is because they make it so insane. My boss acts like it is something sent down upon her as her burdon. Please! I think she just likes to make me earn my 13 dollars an hour the hard way - by parenting her three kids, her husband, and herself. Who knew I'd do such multi-tasking!

And then of course, "Tracy, what would we ever do without you?" I can't say it is something I'd put on a performance review, but I can't say it's something I'd have a clear answer for, either.

Ah, I love my job. It has helped me clear up so many things in my life. Mostly this: I will never have kids of my own!

*names changed to protect the innocent.

From Lindsay Hunter (Totally Not an Intern)

I was so happy to read your post about taking ownership of your work and all that shite, because my boss suffers from the same disease, identified by leaning back in his too-expensive office chair, decadently closing his eyes, and delivering these pellets of worthlessness:

1.) "Here's what you need to do..." This may be his favorite phrase, as he employs it almost as regularly as I roll my eyes during the work day. What he really means is, "Here's what I need you to do..."

2.) "Practice the six P's: Prior Preparation blah blah blah..." He feels this is mightily clever, but he doesn't appreciate it quite as much when I turn it around on him for being late to an appointment or forgetting where his glasses are for the sixty-eighth time.

3.) "Internships are meaningless." This is a real gem that he delivered in the same breath as ordering me to research his entire upcoming speech, as well as do some paralegal work on the side which he billed under my name and then kept the money for. In a sense, wasn't he implying that my very job is meaningless? Brilliantly done.

From Wood-Tang:

These were recorded verbatim during a training session about project planning. All uttered without a hint of irony, and all rather naughty:

"We felt across her space."

"It's a company wide expectation to represent her space."

"We may acclerate the release cycle to address something urgent in her space."

"We have a gap where we aren't being engaged."

"There is a lot of chatter about the step two document. We are soft on how flexible it is."

"Make sure your bucket of time doesn't get obscene."

From Jodi Fox:

Direct quotes from my boss include:

"We missed it the first time in whatever we used to test it."

"We'll figure out what's everyone else's comfort level to what level we do the documentation."

And, my favorite:
"functional documentation will make us a lot more better."

From Katie Whitman:

A fave of my boss:

"The Devil is in the details"

From Mark Hunter:

“Stop talking and turn around. I want to see your face in the
spreadsheet”

Ttell him to get some goddamn numbers in there: this is not rocket science"

From Kim Bosch:

I have started keeping an Official Office Dictionary because I just cannot believe how people communicate at my work. The guy in the cubicle next to me is an expert of the OOD.

But before I tell you about him, the other interesting phenomenon in this environment: Acronyms. It's not a "Personal/Observance Day", it's a POD day. Some acronyms are said phonetically and some are not. For example, a WOP (Work Order Proposal) should NEVER be said phonetically, although I'm sure many a poor joke has been made about it. I have become convinced that acronyms are NOT used because they make day to day business easier but are instead used because:

a) They create hierarchy (highly encouraged) within the company by deciphering
who the new people are (those who mess up the acronyms).

b) Acronyms make people feel cool and smart and a little bit like robots.
And feeling like a robot is, apparently, the new urban cool.

c) They can be used as glib terms that make one appear as though they know
what they're talking about.

It is almost impossible to decipher who originally starts calling these things by their acronym form. It just happens. One day you ask, "What time is the Fire Drill today?" and everyone stares at you as though you were from another planet. It's FD, and don't you forget it.

But back to the OOD. It's a dictionary premised on vagueness and an all over shade of gray. One does not have "problems", one has"issues". One does not have a "job," one has "tasks" ("job" is a very blue collar term, apparently). And there is no "money", only "funds" or "numbers". And a "To-Do list" is referred to as ones "Radar". And changing the numbers is not "fraud", it's "cookin' the books".

Another interesting language thing that I noticed is that you'll get more shocked looks if you say something like, "I'm not happy with things...." than if you say, "FUCK! This sucks!!" because although swearing may be inappropriate, it is also incredibly impersonal. Using personal words like, "feel" or "happy" or "sad" or, heaven forbid, "CARE" will get you quite a few uncomfortable stares.

Personal discussions on the whole should never deviate beyond the very basic kind of small talk. Gas prices, the weather, kids soccer teams, pets and traffic are the most common subjects I've heard. On the other hand, subjects I have learned are not at all acceptable are things like, War, the military, money (ironic because we work for a bank), health issues, politics (specifically who you're voting for) and death.

Side note: Sex is only to be referred to in dirty and often drawn out metaphors. Gender is never discussed outside of jokes.