June 2, 2004

Today is the day to urinate on someone's lawn, and to give them a lot of crap if they yell at you.

CHECK IT OUT--AMAZON FINALLY PUT MY BOOK'S ART UP! PRETTY!

Read the bottom of this. Send me fat fiction. We go next week.

Dear Zulk Answers Your Queries, But Only If You Want Her To

Dear Zulk,

Father's Day is approaching. Every catalog I receive devotes 90% of its gift inventory for Dad to "organizers". The newest one that caught my eye is the "barbecue belt" which looks like a tool belt but has compartments for tongs, spatula, seasonings and sauces and most important, his beer. (maximum waist size, though, is a skimpy 47 inches) Would giving one of these be wishful thinking? I appreciate the economic value of supply and demand, but I don't sense much demand out there on the part of the potential recipient. Do you think that someday there will be an organizer for all his organizers? So it all boils down to this: what do we get Dad?

I would like to propose: nothing. In fact, I would like to propose that we quietly phase out Father's Day to maybe a Father's Hour that we celebrate once a year. Not because Father's don't deserve to be honored, but how many of them really need it, and in fact, would be quite pissed off if it was ignored, versus a certain other parent we could name? What would your father really like? A fancy model car? A special engraved key chain? An 'executive desk set'? No. All your dad probably wants is a pack of batteries, maybe a nice steak, or perhaps a nice new free t-shirt. This can be accomplished in under an hour, this purchasing and celebrating, and would involve a lot less time. Also, what's with those cakes with ties on them? They're weird. Let's phase those out as well.

Dear Zulk,

Is it REALLY true that you can apply a significant amount of pressure EQUALLY to each end of an egg WITHOUT breaking the egg? Every time I try to test this I break the egg. I figure (as an optimist) that I'm just applying pressure in an unbalanced way. However I also figure (as a pessimist) that the whole egg thing is a load of "unbalanced" crap.

I have never heard of this. However, using the best of my Googling capabilities, what I hear is that it's harder to break an egg by squeezing it in your hand, than by, say, cracking it on someone's forehead. This is a testament to the durability of eggs.

However, in terms of exercises involving eggs, this seems pretty lame. I personally have enjoyed the egg in many inedible ways, such as the experiement where you wrap it in various bits of insulation and drop it from the window and see if it drops.

Or the one where you cut a bunch of eggs in half and see how much strenght they can hold (this also involves drilling a hole in an eggshell and blowing the yolk through it, which is easier, yet grosser, than it sounds.)

There is also egg dying. And that exercise where you spin an egg on one side and something happens, I forgot what it is. Basically, there is much fun to be had with eggs.

However, if you are like me and are afraid of partially fertilized eggs, do not do your shopping at Filipino grocery stores or you may be in for a very nasty surprise.