May 17, 2004

Today is the day to make that a gimme. A gimme!

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†Ask the BYT About Familial Duties†

Dear BYT:

My older brother and my sister have a new baby, and they asked me to be the godfather, which is exciting. However, I am a semi-lapsed Catholic, and I'm told that I'm going to be responsible for the religious upbringing of the kid. I'd be honored to be the godfather, but would it be hypocritical of me to take this on if the familial aspect means more to me than the religious side? I have no idea how to oversee somebody else's religious upbringing. How do you do that, anyway?

First, congratulations. It’s wonderful to hear that you are excited about both the birth of the baby and the prospect of being the godfather. Very pleased to hear it. I’m the uncle of one myself, her godfather, actually. And my brother and his wife would be shocked to know how I believe in God.

Now, I’ll presume a few things in answering this question. 1) You meant “brother and sister-in-law” or “brother-in-law and sister” and are not talking about your two siblings having a child together. If that is the case, whether or not you are the best choice to be the godfather seems like the least of the family-vs.-religion problems. 2) The couple (of whatever configuration) knows about, and perhaps shares, your religious quasi-affiliation. 3) The Baptism is taking place within the Catholic Church. 4) All the readers know basically what Baptism is and why it is important within the Church (briefly, #1 of 7 sacraments, a kind of initiation to the Church).

An aside: Godparents are supposed to be Catholics in good standing with the Church. So, if the major concern is with the propriety of your godparenthood as far as the Church is concerned, and if your lapsed-Catholicism puts you outside of good standing in the Church (big sins, etc.), you would not be the best candidate. But, I’ll say something a little different, which is more in the spirit of your question, and I think more in the spirit of Jesus (if not exactly in the spirit of the Church).

The couple asked you to be the godfather for a reason, which might have more to do with family than it does with the Church or religion. They have likely given it some serious thought and have asked you. Do not take this lightly. Understand that this was their decision, and what they hope for in this situation is that you will agree to help them raise their child, which is a lot of work. It is 100% appropriate for you to talk with the couple and explain the situation, that you are “honored” and “excited,” if also a little nervous because of your current “lapsed” status.

Still, you should rest assured that you are not singly responsible for the soul of the little one. During the Baptism rite the parents will promise to be primarily responsible for their child, while you and the godmother will offer to help. And then, those also present, representing the Church (i.e., all Catholics), will offer a similar commitment to the couple and the child. Now, you can bet that even if the parents and the godmother are all wonderfully pious and totally convinced in all that the Church teaches, there are likely a few (if not a great many) in the pews who are lapsed like you. The point is simply this: you all want what is best for the child, and during Baptism you gather together in the name of God (Father, Son, Holy Spirit—but mostly “Father” in this case) to promise to each other, basically, that you all want the same thing.

Because the parents are primarily responsible for the child, I recommend you follow their lead with regard to the sort of religious upbringing they want for the child. And by this I mean that it is best for you to respect the original decision that the couple made in asking you to take on this responsibility. They may come to you for suggestions, and where you are comfortable advising them, do. But always let the parents know just what it is you are interested in teaching their child. It is set up to be collaborative. I can imagine no better situation than if parents and godparents actually talked about religious questions and the very doubts and troubles and so on that often lead to Catholics (or other believers) becoming lapsed. And then did their instruction.

Faith is largely a process and may never be settled. As far as I’m concerned, having a godparent whose belief is constantly tested is perhaps the greatest gift a child can receive upon entering the world of faith. It may be that a lapsed Catholic whose faith is often shaken is the best example a child can have.

In brief: Talk with your family and do everything you can for the child.

Have a question about religion? Always wondered what that Tori Amos God song was all about? Ask the BYT. He will answer the former, possibly the latter.