Today is the day to try all the fabulous flavors of Coffeemate.

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So, it's Friday and because I'm a big loser, I have no interview to show you. So I do what I always do when this happens. B.S. my way through it and fake it.

The TGIF I'm Not Really Trying Interview: Spinning the Dial and asking the Radio the Answers to the Questions I asked Randy Cohen.

How do you decide which letters to answer?
Doggy treats. The lady in line ahead of you needs to know the price of doggy treats.

Do you ever answer directly to a letter, outside the column or radio show?
Take that. Rewind it back. Li'l John got the beats to make your booty go .

You'd research every query, then?
It's one of the largest cemeteries in the world.

In your personal life, do people come up to you with ethics questions? Do you mind this or is it a pain?
High-speed services available in certain areas only.

Why do you think most people write you? Is it because they want to make the right choice or they want to feel better about themselves or they want to win a bet?
Liz Phair.

It seems to me that people ask for rationalizations to things that are just better not to even speak about, like "I steal my neighbor's trash."
Jesuuuuus Christ. Deny your maker.

Have you ever received a query that made you want to go to the police? Do you feel an obligation to do so?
There are countless reasons to love a Jaguar.

Have you ever written to an advice columnist? If not, whom would you write to?
I know you've deceived me, so here's a surprise.

Have you ever given advice and then changed your mind afterwards?
Oooh. Aah. Is it just a waste of time? Hush my baby baby, don't you cry. Mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true.

Do you handle queries differently when you discuss ethics on NPR than when you're writing the column?
I JUST SAVED $200 ON A DESKTOP COMPUTER!!!!

What was one of the most unethical things you've ever done?
We're at 53 degrees downtown. Not good.

Is this Ethicist illustration supposed to be you, or is that just an artist's rendering of an ethical person?
Oooh. Baby. Oooh. Baby. Ooh Baby. You'll always be baby to me.

What's the difference between ethics and morals?
More variety with less predictability. That's what The Drive is all about.

You've won four Emmys. Where do you keep them?
Meet him at the door with nothin' on.

Perusing some comments made about your book, it seems that there are some readers who think there is a bias in your ethics and writing. What are you normally accused of and is there any truth to it?
Smooth jazz.

There are three books you wrote on Amazon that don't really say what they're about. So can you tell us about "Why Didn't I Think of That," "Modest Proposals" and "Easy Answers to Hard Questions"?
Take my hand; it was good in the beginning.

Do you miss writing the News Quiz in Slate?
Talkin' about love, love, love. Let's give them something to talk about.

What did you like best about writing for television?
Drive, drive, drive, let it ride.

You've written books, for TV, online and more. Of all the work you've done, what are you the proudest of so far?
As Eric mentioned, politic infighting isn't limited to Illinois Democrats.

How does it feel to be the 94th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
I know a place where we can get away. It's called a dance floor. And here's what it's for.