January 14, 2004

Today is the day to give 'em the old one-two.

ORDER MY BOOK!

Even though you can't order it from them yet, Amazon.com does feature Girls!Girls!Girls! If you've read it and enjoyed it, please, put in your two cents. If you've read it and didn't enjoy it, I'm very sorry.

If you still need convincing to buy the book, check this ad made by my personal ad firm, Steve Delahoyde. Quicktime or Real.

Or, come to the party!

Rank: Chocolatey Combinations

1. Chocolate and mint: If you've ever had one of Marshall Field's Frango Mints, you know that this is a heavenly marriage. The coolness of the mint offsets the warm meltiness of the chocolate. And after you eat it, your breath doesn't smell as bad as after you eat regular chocolate. Downside: The fresh taste is deceptive and for some reason lends itself to overeating.
2. Chocolate and raspberry. This may be the sexiest food combination ever thought up: the sexiest fruit ever combined with the sexiest food ever. I'm interjecting here and realizing that I'm fulfilling many female stereotypes with this chocolate fixation, but my boyfriend just dumped me and I'm sitting in front of my favorite soap opera in my bathrobe eating bonbons and I've been crying, okay? Downside: The pavlovian experience that constantly has you equating chocolate with raspberries.
3. Chocolate and peanut butter. It's almost a little too good. Any of you who have ever eaten peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon know that it's fairly dangerous to combine two such addictive foods. Fortunately, when they come together, their mixed richness, saltiness and sweetness blows you away so that you're physically incapable of eating too much of this. Downside: While you're mixing chocolate and peanut butter, you begin to have fatty fantasies of mixing in other bad-for-you foods, like M&Ms or marshmallows or just sticks and sticks of butter.
4. Chocolate and banana: Has the banana ever tasted so good? Well, maybe with peanut butter. Or peanut butter and chocolate. Downside: You realize that we're coming up with a lot of ways to ruin the nutritional value of fruit.
5. Chocolate and vanilla. This is good in the swirl frozen yogurt cones. Otherwise: eh. Downside: Poor vanilla is constantly overshadowed.
6. Chocolate and white chocolate. White chocolate is a cruel hoax inflicted upon a world expecting that if something is labeled 'chocolate,' it ought to taste like chocolate. I'd rather eat an apple than eat white chocolate. The only good combination are European Kinder Eggs, but mostly because the chocolate rules over the white chocolate, and there is a toy inside. Downside: It's too bad that a chocolatey combination with such a powerful message for racial harmony is so low on the list.
7. Chocolate and strawberry. This has been billed as a very sensuous food, but anybody who has ever eaten a chocolate covered strawberry knows that it's bull. The chocolate is hard to bite, it cracks off the strawberry, and the strawberry is usually strangely tart. Downside: How come so many supposedly romantic foods like this and oysters are just not so good?
8. Chocolate and cherry. Ugh. Candy type cherries are a slap in the face to sweet, juicy, fresh real cherries. Keep your slutty, oversugared marashino cherries away from my chocolate. Downside: This leads to all those chocolate and liqueur combinations that I'm not even going to give its own bullet point. Enjoying chocolate should always be a sober experience.
9. Chocolate and raisin. Are you kidding? The raisin is a hardworking food that ought not to be mixed with anything other than perhaps a few salads or oatmeal. To marry this with chocolate is like Madonna and that Italian guy in Guy Ritchie's "Swept Away": It's not going to work and the experience is horrifying no matter what. Downside: Poor little raisin. Don't worry, your day will come, I promise.