December
17, 2003
Today is the day to sigh heavily, repeatedly.
Please to read the ReinventingtheWorld interview with me. And then read the site, because it is quite wonderful and editor Patrick Reynolds is a force to be reckoned with.
Guest Diarist: Josh Wilson
Rank: Dealing With Your Arms and Hands While Walking
1. Carrying something. Umbrellas, covered coffee mugs, enormous art projects that you can’t fold, and purses all give an appearance of on-the-go productivity. You will also look and feel exceedingly cool via a reduction in your base awkwardness. Preferentially select objects to carry based on secondary capabilities for image enhancement or possible alternate usage as a weapon or button-poker. Downsides: For men, purses don’t always look “cool.” Tired arms.
2. Both hands in pockets. Ideally, keep both hands in shorts or pants pockets, though this may be prevented by any excessive jacket poofiness. (In which case, placing your hands directly in the coat or jacket pockets is an acceptable, but lesser, alternative. Be aware of potential summer lint buildup.) This look shows that nothing in the world is bothering you except for the constant din of your cranial banshees. Downsides: No ability to quickly brace yourself should you slip on ice. Sweaty palms (especially objectionable when combined with lint buildup).
3. One hand in pocket, the other swinging freely. Although you may feel vibrant, this actually appears somewhat off-balance. Your lack of aesthetically pleasing symmetry will make you seem aloof and distant. Try to balance this with any potential gain in walking momentum from your swinging arm. Consider carrying an object with your free hand if you don’t mind compromising momentum (see #1). Downside: Constantly having to rotate hands in and out of pockets to keep them both adequately warm.
4. Arms folded. Not really acceptable for the boys, but comfortable and casual for the ladies. Closed body language suggests self-confidence. Downside: Closed body language accidentally suggesting an utter lack of self-confidence.
5. Both arms swinging freely. Here is a way to harness all that potential energy you are otherwise just sloughing off into the universe. Think power-walkers and long, confident strides. Downside: Possibly not all that cool. Natural coordination of alternate hands and feet may in fact appear comically rhythmical.
6. Both arms pointed rigidly straight down. Conveys serious, militant look. Strengthens shoulders. Downside (maybe not?): Kind of scary and intimidating.
7. Arms waving wildly around. Fun! Exciting in a dangerous way. Downside:
Be aware that you’ll be impinging upon society’s bias against random
flailing. You may be captured and fitted with a tight, cumbersome jacket.