December
18, 2003
Today is the day to sleep in your clothes.
What Your Select Comfort Sleep Number® Says About You
15: You are in your mid-twenties. You attended a Seven Sisters School and majored in library science. You had two Sapphic lesbian experiences during college, but you feel that that is all behind you. You enjoy chai lattes and inexplicably find yourself attracted to the meathead neighbor boy in the apartment below yours. You like garnets.
20: You hate waiting in lines.
30: You often experience foot and hand pain. You have very nice hair but you're always afraid people think you're stupid. You used to get electrolysis.
40: You have a successful career, a kind husband and a very sweet child. Occasionally, though, you wish they could go away so you could just get drunk.
50: You own many decorative pillows embroidered with folksy sayings about being Irish.
55: You are a closet Republican, but since most of your friends are Democrat, you rarely voice your opinions when politics arise in the conversation because you dislike arguments. Instead, you either turn the discussion to opera or go make a trip to the banquette.
60: You read the newspaper while you're in the bathroom. You recently lost 30 pounds merely by switching to light beer and cutting out butter. You're bald and like it that way. You like to sail but hate setting everything up, you like horses but riding them hurts your back, and you never drink juice.
65: Your name is Matilda, and you sleep well, often dreaming about citrus fruit.
70: You wear a backwards baseball cap and it looks pretty silly on you. You should take it off and maybe lose some weight as well. Also, lower your voice when you talk.
75: Your sleeping habits are extremely irregular and you often take showers at around 3 or 4 in the morning. This is just your quirk, however, it has nothing to do with the comfort of your mattress.
80: Your head is extremely round. Not big, just very spherical.
85: You are a tall man, over seven feet tall, with a heart of gold. Women give you the eye and men assume you're good at basketball, but what everyone doesn't know is that it can be lonely to be so tall. You notice that people don't dust the tops of cabinets. You hate caves.
90: No earthly bed could ever satisfy your needs.