December
10, 2003
Today is the day to pretend to have amnesia.
Guest Ranker: Steve Gozdecki
Rank: Ways I've Attempted to Relieve the Symptoms of My Latest Wicked Winter Cold
Everyone swears by some remedy or other to suppress the sniffling,
sneezing, and lung-butter churning that the typical winter cold brings on.
Everyone, that is, except me. After 33 years on this earth, I'm still exploring
the world of OTC products. Herewith, a ranking of my latest endeavors to slay
the beast....
1. Vicks Dayquil Liquicaps: It really does seem to relieve my stuffy head,
sore throat, coughing, aching, and fever. Too successfully, almost, requiring
me to produce the occasional fake pity cough to get coworkers to believe that
I really am sick. And the new formula lasts six full hours instead of a mere
four! Downside: No one may really believe that you're ailing.
2. Halls Honey-Lemon cough drops: I'm not sure they do anything, but they
taste pretty good to me. Downside: Anything you drink within half an hour
of consuming will make your throat feel frozen. Also, your girlfriend may
not want to kiss you for the same amount of time.
3. Halls Plus Honey-Lemon cough drops: Just about as good as the item above,
except with a "soothing syrup center" that really just seems to
gum up your teeth if you bite into it. And really, who can wait for a whole
cough drop to melt? Downside: See above.
4. Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine Cherry Burst flavor: It's like fizzy cherry
Kool-Aid, without that cur-azy Kool-Aid Man fellow crashing through your wall.
Does a decent job relieving cold symptoms. Downside: Contains an antihistamine,
so you'd better not have any plans -- for drinking, driving, or operating
heavy machinery -- after downing it. Also, it leaves a powder at the bottom
of the glass that can be hard to clean out if you let it sit for a day or
two.
5. Vicks Nyquil Original Flavor: Does it help you sleep? Oh yes. And it gives
you disturbing dreams (mine involved Kyle MacLachlan). Downside: You may have
dreams involving actors who starred in David Lynch movies -- or dreams that
turn into David Lynch movies. Also, it has a hideous, hideous taste that no
amount of nasal-pinching can beat. It may, however, work if you try the "lick
it/slam it/suck it" approach that makes tequila go down easier.
6. TheraFlu Severe Cold & Congestion Flavor Select Night Time Natural
Lemon Flavor: I have no idea if this stuff actually works. As someone who
firmly believes fruit-flavored beverages should only be consumed cold, I was
unable to finish even half of a mug of this hot vaguely lemon-flavored mediciny
damnation. Downside: In addition to the above, I'm stuck with five more envelopes
of this wretched stuff, and my frugal upbringing is keeping me from throwing
it out for fear that my mom will find out and yell at me.