September 23, 2003

Today is the day to listen to the classical station even if nobody's there to see you do it.

If youi go to the shopping section, you will find something new and fun.

Baseball season is almost over, here in Chicago. That's right, here in Chicago. Mark my words. But that means it's football season. I thought last year I was on the verge of being a real football fan. I had roommates who were into the sport and a cozy new apartment to curl up in on Sundays. Then I started taking these writing classes on Sundays and that dream went out the window. Plus, the Bears were crap and I don't have my own college football team to root for. Sure, I have ancillary local teams like Northwestern and University of Illinois but I didn't go there and so I can't get excited about it. So this season, I thought, would be my season. We had a nice been chicken wing festooned party for the season opener, and I realized that I couldn't keep my eyes on the game. It just wasn't happening for me. There was still one thing left for me in football, though:

Gambling.

Well, not really. My new job, unlike my old one, does not support liquor and gambling, and so I do not have a profitable football pool to turn to, so I joined a few free ones on Yahoo.

And I stink. Well, I don't stink, the prognosticators I turn to stink. I'm talking about ESPN, Yahoo Sports, even McSweeney's and Chicago's RedEye. So instead of trying to do it the evenhanded way, I select my picks the old fashioned way. Like a girl.

Ways to Choose Football Picks If You Don't Know That Much About Football

Uniforms

Mascots

Coolness of stadium

Cuteness of cheerleaders

Whether you were turned down by a college in one of the states that are competing

Whether somebody you didn't like in high school went to college in one of the states where one of the teams is located

Whether you visited the town where one of the teams play and the weather was nice that day

Whether an ex of yours lives in one of the towns that is competing

Whether a song you like is named after one of the cities playing

Pretend you are God. The team you choose to win is full of your chosen ones, the team you choose to lose will burn.