September 17, 2003

Today is the day to blow your nose in the shower.

Rank: Ways of Disrespecting the American Flag, As Listed by This Web Site

1. The flag should never be dipped to any person or thing. It is flown upside down only as a distress signal. Downside: Sometimes those flag poles are really heavy, though, right? And you can't help it, if, like, you're carrying it, and...right? Also, say you need a distress signal and are too dehydrated/sharkbitten/exhausted to re-raise the flag. What then?

2. The flag should not be used as a drapery, or for covering a speakers desk, draping a platform, or for any decoration in general. Bunting of blue, white and red stripes is available for these purposes. The blue stripe of the bunting should be on the top. Downside: This inspires countless college kids to decorate with the Union Jack instead, which is just so done. And British.

3. The flag should never be used for any advertising purpose. It should not be embroidered, printed or otherwise impressed on such articles as cushions, handkerchiefs, napkins, boxes, or anything intended to be discarded after temporary use. Downside: Grandmas across the country will be devastated to know.

4. The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform, except that a flag patch may be used on the uniform of military personnel, fireman, policeman and members of patriotic organizations. Downside: Since baseball players have been allowed to wear flag patches since September 11th, (not many people know this), they were given guns and are allowed to shoot people on and off the field.

5. The flag should never have placed on it, or attached to it, any mark, insignia, letter, word, number, figure, or drawing of any kind. Downside: The image I spent a good 10 minutes working on in Microsoft Paintshop with the words "Go USA!" written on the flag actually made me feel bad and think I'd get into trouble.

6. The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything. Downside: This is why garbage cans and UPS are so expensive.