August
25,
2003
Today is the day to call me Miss Jackson, but only if you're nasty.
It behooves you to check out the shopping section of the site, because in addition to The American Journal of Print, featuring my story "Birdwatching," you can also purchase the Wordriot Anthology, featuring my story "The Shinist."
Dr. Hot Pants is In!
Dear Dr. Hot Pants:
1. Is it actually possibly to "revirginize" yourself after abstaining
from sex for a certain time period? If so, how long would that take?
2. Tongue
scrapers--any thoughts?
3. On an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," Carson, the
fashionista, said instead of trying on jeans in the store, if you wrap them
around your neck, and they meet, then they'll fit you. Also, there's that
thing about the length from your wrist to the fold of your arm is the same
size as your foot. I've tried both and they seem to work. Are these proportion-esque
myths true? If so, why do they work?
Too Damn Curious (Chicago)
Dear Curious:
Yay! Somebody sent me questions!
1) Technically speaking, I would have to say no, since there is no possible way that a hymen, once destroyed, will ever regenerate. And really, why would you want it to, right? I mean, unless you had to do one of those things where you have to display the gross bloody sheets the next day to all of the people in your village in order to preserve the honor of your family, and as everybody already knows, you can just secretly prick your finger for that. So no, you will never actually be a virgin again. However, apparently it is possible to regain the same level of vaginal wall strength that you had back in the day, when you didn't even know about such things. Abstaining from sex might help, but I recommend Kegels, because strengthening your pelvic floor muscles is where it's at. Improved sex life plus better bladder control-- who could ask for more? You can buy a scary looking Kegel Enhancer, but it is probably even more effective to just squeeze.
2) Awesome! I like to think of people's mouths as mini incubators for all kinds of different bacteria. It's hot, it's wet, it's dark, there are airless tooth sockets for anaerobes to flourish in, and food is delivered regularly. It is an ideal habitat and some of the most interesting flora in your whole body live there! That is why tongue scrapers are so cool, in a disgusting sort of way. They are medically recommended for people with chronic halitosis, but I think everybody should use them, just for the fun of seeing exactly what sorts of colonies have invaded your mouth, and knowing that similar bacteria are flourishing in the mouths of those around you. And then keep that in mind the next time somebody tries to kiss you. If you are trying to abstain from sex to unstretch your vagina, this is a trick that will work wonders for your abstinence willpower.
3) Okay, so every individual is of course different, but overall the average human skeleton does seem to follow predictable measurements of proportion. One way to define proportional indices is use the skull. In classical art the body of the ideal figure is 8 skull-lengths from head to toe. In real life the average human is 7-8 head lengths. Next time you go to an art museum, check it out! You will see everything from Rembrandt using 7 head lengths to Giacometti using as many as 12! Based on this, artists have defined certain points of reference for creating a lifelike human figure. It is 0.5 skull lengths from the top of the head to the eyes. 0.75 skull lengths is the length from wrist to fingers and that's also the length of the collarbone. 1 skull is the distance between male nipples and the length of the foot. 2 skulls will take you from the knees to the ankle, 3 skull lengths go from the head to the navel, and 4 to the pubic bone. Scientists investigating these proportions have found that, like human height, other measurements in a given subgroup also follow a normal distribution, and so there is a correlation between measurements of different parts of the body. That's why forensic pathologists and anthropologists can predict measurements like height from measuring bone length. For example, for white US males ages 18-30, the relationship between the height of the person and the length of the humerus is y=3.08x +70.45, where y= height in cm and x=length of humerus in cm with a standard error of +/- 4.05 cm. So even though relationships like that between the length of the forearm and the foot are not true for every individual, for the population in general they often seem to be at least reasonably accurate. Besides, anything is better than trying on jeans in the store. Now if they could only devise a similar system for bikinis...
--Dr. HP