August 22, 2003

Today is the day to tell the komisar to get the hell out of town.

I swear to you I have piles of awesome interviews in the wings, I just don't have them yet. Don't you like my pretend interviews, though?

The Imagined Sammy Sosa Interview

Claire Zulkey: Hey, thanks for taking time out of your schedule to let me interview you.

Sammy Sosa: [smiling benevolently.]

CZ: So, how do you think the season is going so far?

SS: It is good. I am hitting home runs.

CZ: Er, I mean how the season is going for you and the Cubs.

SS: I am hitting home runs. I am a gladiator. No one can stop me.

CZ: It's a shame that you guys are in third place right now when you keep touching first place.

SS: [Shrugs]. What can you do? I hit home runs.

CZ: You don't care about the team?

SS: [Blank stare. Then kisses his two fingers and pounds his chest.]

CZ: [Blank stare.]

SS: [Again, kisses his two fingers and pounds his chest.]

CZ: Uh, okay. Who on your team do you communicate with the most? Is there anybody you mentor?

SS: "Team"?

CZ: What do you do, when, say, you have a bad game but, say, Moises Alou has a great one?

SS: Moises...Alou?

CZ: What do you say to people who claim you're a selfish player?

SS: Sammy is not selfish. Sammy is like a train. You cannot stop a train.

CZ: Well, okay, I guess. What about the corking incident?

SS: [Shrugs.] I am Sammy Sosa. I entertain the crowds.

CZ: Yeah but--

SS: I am Hitler, sweeping through Poland.

CZ: That's a pretty awful metaphor.

SS: [Pouds chest, makes peace sign, blows a kiss.]

CZ: I think you did that out of order.

SS: [Benevolent smile.] You want to sleep with Sammy?