August 6 , 2003

Today is the day to tell your boss, "Oh no you didn't!" after he gives you an assignment.

I. Okay, this shows me for trying to be clever and funny. Many of you have asked me what exactly this 'literary pornography' thing I have going on, and so I apologize for not explaining correctly. Without naming names, I upset some people who happen to be related to me last week for a post that had some naughty words in it. I tried to figure a way to address this issue--of keeping a so-called 'edge' while still being ostensibly unobjectionable. So, I ask you to send in your unobjectionable, literary pornography. You describe an erotic situation that has a plot but absolutely no dirty words. And if it's funny, then you get bonus points.

Thank god for AJ Daulerio, who submitted despite my horrible instructions:

Lila took off her sandal and pretended to use it as a cell phone as she sat naked in the kitchen next to the new mousetrap.

"I'm having trouble getting service in here.", she said, playfully sticking her big toe inside a jar of strawberry preserves. She put down her sandal and instead grabbed half of her Everything bagel off the counter and began to spread the jam on it with her toe. I noticed how pointy her knees were. Her calves were quite thin as well.

"You have very thin legs," I said, using a Q-tip to clean out some unsightly wax I'd noticed earlier that morning.

"My friends used to call me ostrich." A small bit of preserves dripped off her toe onto the floor. "Now they call me clam bake." I had no idea what that meant, but I wanted to find out.

II. Don't forget: It is Wednesday. And how do you like this Wednesday feature, anyway? Give me feedback.

Rank: Ways of Napping

1. On the couch, in front of the television. This, my friend, is known as the high life. Nothing is as luxurious, as comforting as that drifty-offy feeling in front of a television movie or a football game. This is luxury. Downsides: Couch-face.
2. Anytime you're not supposed to, i.e. in a meeting, during a conversation, driving. Why is this the most tempting, delicious sleep? Those three seconds seem like Valhalla before your head snaps up. Why is it so tempting? Downsides: Potential loss of job, friend, life.
3. The scheduled nap. They say that this is good for you, to plan a nap in your day but I find this odious. You usually don't fall asleep until 10 minutes before you're supposed to wake up, and when you finally do get up you feel crabby and hot and a little sick. Downsides: Scheduling a nap feels like scheduling breathing.
4. Naptime. Why is youth wasted on the young? I hated naptime as a child, and never, ever slept during it. But if we had 'naptime' during work, my god, what a world that would be. Downside: Sleeping in a room full of other sleeping people is weird.