August 7 , 2003

Today is the day to accuse someone of cheating and turn over the card table.

Thanks, everyone!

Literary, Unobjectionable Porn, Day Two

From Dee Dee Peel: "Four Eroticisms!"
A woman inspects a plantain in a supermarket and a produce worker says to her, "Looks like you know how to find just what you're looking for."

She says, "I sure do. These long, hard, yet tender objects are just a bit bigger than bananas, and give me even more satisfaction. I must have a thing for starch."

He replies, "I know I do. I starch my shirts every day before I come to work." "I could tell. You want to come over later and see what I do with this plantain?"

The stocker says, "Yes, and I'll bring one too, for myself."

**

Two women are lying in bed naked reading, how erotic and literary. One is reading Philosophy of the Bedroom and the other is reading Story of the Eye, how so excessively literarily erotic. They are trying too hard, and while this may not be erotic, the word "hard" is used in many erotic contexts. Your penis is so hard. My nipples are hard. Do it harder! I'm gonna slap those skins so hard and fast, you'll be screaming my name to tell me to never stop.

**

Two men lie in bed together, naked, and one says to the other, "Women's bodies aren't all that, are they?"

The other says, "You're not gay, are you?"

The first says, "Yes."

The other says, "Oh, darn, sorry. I'm not. I thought we were waiting for the hot chicks to come in."

"That's why you took your clothes off 4 hours ago and started kissing me very passionately, such as a strong virile man such as yourself would?"

"I thought that was the warm up."

"Oh, wow, if that was only the warm up, I'm going to explode in a little while!"

"Can I help make that happen?"

"Yes."

"I guess I am bi."

"Oooh, that's hot."

"So, I guess you'll call in the beautiful women for the orgy now?"

"No, that was never any part of the plan."

"Oh, then, I gotta go. I don't think I'm really bi."

"You did this cause you think ladies think that straight men who kiss other guys are attractive?"

"No. I was just confused. That's not attractive. I'm sorry I got myself into this unerotic scenerio."

"It was special for a little while, at least."

"I hope so."

**

A stereotypical indie rock early twentysomething male walks into a record store and finds a similarly attired, very attractive female around the same age looking at a limited release, split 7-inch recording of songs by his two favorite bands. He becomes very aroused. (Boys who are like this boy can only
dream of the same sort of thing happening to them, so if you are a boy like that, and you are reading this, think about this scenerio and become very aroused as this will be the only place this sort of thing will happen.)

From Brandon Hobson:"Spelling Bee Whiz Kid Writes a Letter Home (While Detained at the Deerwell County Juvenile Detention Center--High Oaks, Oklahoma)"

Dad I’d like to steal her and bring her home, if that’s okay with you. No need to worry about it. You can think what you will, but I want this more than anything in the world. I mean that, Dad. It’s not like I’ll slice her up or even tie her up. It’s not like I’ll perform sexual acts in front of her or on her or in her body cavities. I wouldn’t dare puncture her body in any harmful way. I’d like her to wear a mask also and whine and weep. I’d like to kiss her and hear her moan and whine and weep. The closest way I’d get to physical seduction Dad is by plucking hairs in various locations particularly if it meant increasing the volume of her verbal sounds, gargles, whines or moans or weeps. I’m interested in her scents. If Kipper wasn’t neutered Dad he could join in.

Really it’s more about mind experimentation and brainwashing her mind via sound samples and recordings 24/7. It’s about training her to act, respond, and function in ways I want her to. Once I eventually hit puberty that may change, and I’m well aware of this. I’m already sprouting tangles of dark hair in privates and with her being roughly thirteen that may be enlightening to her, not spooky or even an emmetropic reverie as you are. Spooky, I mean. I’ve thought about it long and hard for weeks now, how you blindfolded me in the chair and made me listen to what I heard. I’ve thought about that one. I’ve thought about lots of things lately, here in detention, and this is partly why I’m seriously considering doing all this, stealing her, I need to do it and keep her and kiss her. I’m not emotionally exhausted or ill at all like you think—you don’t have to say it Dad I already know it, but everything will be fine like you always said. Everything’s fine Dad.

I’m thinking of escaping maybe later this week. I’ve got all the equipment—the masks, the Demerol, the flask of Kentucky 80 proof I took from your liquor cabinet. I have everything I need right now except her. Dad I’ve told you everything outside of the physical of what I’ll do to her.

It’ll be good, just you wait. You’ll be real proud.

From Josh Abraham: "Sandwiches"

It's the end of our date, that awkward moment where we kiss good-bye and I hope it's not really good-bye.

"Would you like to come upstairs and make sandwiches?" Lucy asks me.

"Oh yes. Yes, I would."

"I have many varieties of meats and cheeses," she whispers. I lick my lips.

We walk up three flights to her apartment and I'm getting hungrier with each step. She unlocks the door and before we even reach the kitchen, I'm rolling up my sleeves.

She opens the fridge. I grab a knife. We slice some Genoa salami, very, very thin. We slice turkey. We slice turkey ham. We slice turkey balogna. Slice, slice, slice. She pulls out some muenster, some Swiss. We're slapping slices on bread. We're squirting mayo, squeezing ketchup, splashing mustard. Spreading everything evenly. We're pushing our top breads onto our bottom breads. We've made great, big Dagwoods. I give her the knife and she slices her sandwich diagonally. Then mine, likewise. And then we raise our sandwiches and, at the same moment, we each take a hearty bite, as much as our mouths can handle.

"Mmmmmm," she mumbles through a stuffed mouth. "This is delicous."

"Mmmm," I say. "Mine too."