November 13, 2002

Today is the day to track down one last ice cream man.

If you are in the Boston area tomorrow evening, I recommend you read this impromptu press release from David Mogolov. Won't you?

Tricky me. Today I have a guest columnist. Tomorrow you will get the serial story. I think you'll like it next time, incidentally. Anyway, enjoy. It is, after all, from Steve Delahoyde.

Guest Zülkey.com Diarist: Steve Delahoyde

Dearest Claire,

We have been friends for a great expanse of time. Yet for the longest time I have harbored something from you, my better judgment forcing me to keep this gentle, quiet front of the dignified reverence one must bestow upon a friendship as valuable as ours. But now, as this infernal madness of truth consumes me, it must be revealed. Will you like it? You may not. Will you cast me asunder, thus maintaining order in the choosing of your allies? You very well may. But alas, it can wait no longer, and fear for my very life if it remains within...

Zulkey, you have the perfect name for an umlaut, yet you remain blissfully unaware.

Yes, few can deny the power held within our very words, but there you are, it has been said. Run if the truth frightens you ever so. Stay if your heart, pained as it currently may be, desires more. It would mean so much to me if you were to choose the latter.

The reasoning for these powerful mutterings can only stem from my own fascinations with the mighty umlaut -- your presumed assumptions of this are correct. And therefore I must ask of you: how else can one take seemingly ordinary words (certainly I am not inferring that "Zulkey" is in any way ordinary, but here I refer to the millions of lesser words), and transform them into appellations seemingly foreign to Americans such as we? Umbrella becomes, phonetically, the mysterious oom-brella. Foot becomes the stimulating f-ooo-t. And even goat, as bland a word there is, transforms into the majestic, soaring, life-affirming goo-at. Therein lies the magic, my dear -- the opportunity for a second chance, an otherwise unobtainable exoticism.

While briefly stated in a most emphatic manner before, the surname of Zulkey most certainly already comprises many traits of the exciting and the unique. But imagine, if you will, that extra advantage, that stoic leap towards the nearly omnipotent presence that only a wildly fascinating name can provide. Yes, "Zulkey" would no longer be just a name, but...dare I say...an experience.

Try it with me, won't you? Don't be shy. Zülkey. Zooooool-key. Zooooooooooooooooool-key. There is something there and it cannot be denied, no matter how forcefully you wish it away from your mind.

And yes, before it is asked of me, while I would surely take even a bullet for you (like last Summer at that splendid out-of-doors carnival), there is a personal reason for this name-altering plea. I, it can be hidden no longer, was never given the opportunity to fully have an umlaut placed anywhere near my name. S-T-E-V-E-N: it is a pathetic, abysmal sea of repetitious vowels and overtly bland consonants, this I know. Granted, it is technically "possible" to put an umlaut over any vowel, but I ask you most seriously: over an e?! That is sacrilege! It is in blatant opposition to everything I hold dear! Surely, to fashion an umlaut above a letter where an umlaut ought not reside is an offense near criminality!

So I beg of you, my dear sweet Zülkey, please consider what I have written herein. The opportunities are there, waiting for you to grab them, to make them your own. Do not become the person I am, a man whose only realistic options remain dual circumflexes or a lonely, sullen tilde.

Yours,

Steven

NB. I have taken the liberty of redesigning your logo, should you wish to proceed hastily.