June 21, 2002

Today is the day to smooch someone.

What do you call a man who graduated cum laude from Georgetown University, yet still puts his wallets in the washing machine, who can handle a chainsaw easily but steps on sea anemones, who knows a lot about a lot of things but can't come up with a better excuse for speeding other than "I wanted to get there, officer"? You call him Justin Koplow. Here he is, soon to return from his yearlong Russia tour.

The Justin Koplow Interview: Slightly Less Than 20 Questions

You are preparing to return home after a year working in Moscow. What are five things somebody undertaking such an adventure should remember to pack?
One of those hammer/screwdriver deals, a large supply of Imodium, a Walkman, flannel-lined pants and a ready willingness to just roll with it.

Describe life in Russia for an American, for those who don't know and think it's all fur hats and goulash and wheelbarrows full of Rubles and what have you.
Yeah, and Yakov Smirnov is the Minister-ski of Hilarity-ov. For me, the key to understanding Russia is avoss, the positive Russian of "chance" or "fate." This is a people that has seen three fundamental changes in government and economics in the last 100 years, lost millions of citizens to war, famine and state paranoia, fallen from global superpower to a economically less than South Korea, remains mired in conflict in Chechnya, has a declining population, 40% live below the poverty line… and yet still believes that things will turn out ok. It is amazingly life affirming.

What are some baseball parks, besides Comiskey Park, of course, that you haven't seen that you want to?
In the Majors, I would most like to see PacBell when Barry Bonds splashes a homer into McCovey Cove. I have always wanted to go out to Dubuque, Iowa to see the Field of Dreams, but it is literally in the middle of nowhere. But above those two, I would like to go to Rosenblatt Stadium in Omaha for the College World Series. I have heard it is a blast, baseball's equivalent of March Madness.

When is competition in a relationship good? When is it not good?
As long as the competition is understood to be (and is in practice) friendly and beneficial, it can keep things moving. Footraces, however, are right out.

If you weren't a Yankees fan, then what baseball team would you cheer for? You have to answer this question.
I would have to go outside the American League, so I guess I have always kind of pulled for the St. Louis Cardinals.

You will be attending Georgetown Law School this fall. Which television or movie lawyer would you like to emulate? Atticus Finch is not allowed as an answer.
Tom Hagen in "The Godfather." He tells the movie producer Woltz that "I have a special practice - I handle one client," and then orders the infamous horse head in the sheets. That is a lot more interesting than optimizing the VAT structuring for a local representative office with regard to the contractual import of objects of intellectual property.

What's a skill that you don't have that you'd like to?
Babe Ruth called Lou Gerhig "Kid" for years, but I am consistently embarrassed by how I am terrible about remembering people's names after introductions. It has kind of gotten to be self-fulfilling, where I have convinced myself I am not going to remember someone's name, so why bother? It leads to a number of situations in which I have to play at pronouns because I just cannot remember. It's also hard to justify via explanation, because it basically leads to the conclusion that I don't consider the person important enough to remember their name. Sorry.

If you have to choose between seeing the Rolling Stones for the third time or seeing Paul McCartney (the current Paul McCartney), who would it be?
McCartney's a jerk, and has only increased in such measure with age. I would see the Stones any day of the week, but for a third time only if I am not paying for the tickets.

So what's so good about political humor?
If we don't laugh, we cry. And there is so much stupidity and hypocrisy in politics that we would drown in tears, so thus we have to do a lot of laughing. Plus, fun is being made of people who make the decisions that influence our lives - up to and including launching the nukes - so maybe this is a way of remembering that these are people no more special than us and who are, in fact, supposed to be working for us.

How many times have you had poison ivy, and why do you keep getting it? Is it because you're so sweet? No, wait, that's when bees sting you.
Even Superman had to have his kryptonite. The way I look at is that fault lies not with me, as I usually get poison ivy in the pursuit of a worthy cause (spray painting spirit pillars, buying a Nintendo, capturing the flag), but rather with the "plant" itself. Now you can spout up and down about nature's balance and everything having a purpose, but really! What does poison ivy accomplish that regular ivy couldn't take care of?

You are a devotee of both "The Simpsons" and "Monty Python." When "The Simpsons" make fun of people who love "Monty Python," is it a burning pain, or more of a twinge and perhaps a humorous recognition of yourself?
Well if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? Thankfully, the Simpsons and the Pythons gave us answers: Homer and Michael Palin.

As an amateur photographer, what are the best three subjects you think you've photographed?
If I may be pretentious enough as to have an aesthetic, it would hold that I like my pictures to tell the whole story. I like to do this by showing the forms and rhythm in the small things we tend to overlook. I also don't like taking pictures of people, best explained by the very verb involved; I feel pictures of people in which the person is the subject and not just an element are truly "taking" something from the person. So my favorite subjects are small things: letters, eyes, patterns in clothing, creeks, things with form, detail and color.

You are not unfamiliar to the art of facial hair. Matt Herlihy has written a piece on the subject. What are some of your best facial hair moments and styles?
Truth be told, for me, facial hair is less a fashion statement or a Samson complex than it is a bow to laziness. Even a goatee reduces shaving time by half and removes the most difficult areas. When I have had a full beard, my mental image of self was still clean-shaven. But it was cool to be the bad-ass with the goatee in 10th grade.

Why are oldest siblings always the best ones?
Oldest is both the guinea pig and the receiver of new stuff. Oldest in the family generation only magnifies the glory and the pain.

How far away do you think a person has to be when it's acceptable not to hold open a door for them?
I would say a good rule of thumb is close enough for solid eye contact. But the underlying point is that holding the door, saying "thank you" and even smiling are all common courtesy. It may sound dopey, but you would be amazed out how much others appreciate it and the cost to you is, maximum, five seconds.

You ran with the bulls in Pamplona last year. Now, if you get gored, obviously, that sucks, but unless you come in direct contact with an actual bull, don't you feel like it was sort of a waste of time?
What would be a bigger waste of time is not running - and I almost got tossed out to the police because I had a camera bag, apparently in violation of the "excessive alcohol = ok, camera bag = no way" rule. Honestly, I never realized just how big and how fast a bull actually is, so the less contact the better. Besides, none of you were there, so I can always change the story to say I rode the bull. And this was all while I was at Woodstock, too.

So, what is a media slut?
The media sluts are like the local garage band that makes it big. It starts out fun, but then something gets lost along the way to in a haze of money, drugs and groupies. The media sluts are a lot like that, but without the money, drugs and groupies, and with more Hawaiian shirts, basketball and Christmas tree lights.

Say, you have a crush on a good friend of yours, but you don't want to screw up the friendship. Do you make a move or not?
No. It will never work out. It is best to pin your romantic hopes on baseball players, 40-year-olds in "boy" bands or a pink lesbian Pokemon.

How does it feel to be the 12th person interviewed for Zulkey.com? You do know that to me, "12" is a special, loving number. Also, it's Alfonso Soriano's number. Right?
The last time I was twelve was 1991, when there was a Bush in the White House preparing to invade Iraq, Israel and the Arabs were mired in conflict and the US and Russia were cutting nuclear stockpiles. Also, Paula Abdul was topping the charts, "Home Alone" was a hit and the Twins won the World Series. So I guess things change and things stay the same, but either way it was an honor and a pleasure.