June 24, 2002

Today is the day to get in the boat. Banana boat.

You in New York: don't forget about the Housing Works and Americana Projects tonight, see?

Claire Zulkey: Singer, Songwriter, Dancer, Thief

I discovered something disturbing this weekend; I apparently have a penchant for stealing things without knowing it. It began Thursday afternoon. I had plans to meet friends for drinks after work but I realized that I had forgotten my makeup bag (please, spare me the discussion on natural beauty.) So, I went to Walgreen's and bought some cheapo cosmetics to at least improve my appearance. One thing I picked up was Revlon Lipglide, mostly because it looks cool and has this new system wherein the gloss squirts out the top into a little sponge and you apply it like a pen.. Girls will fall for any new take on something old, cosmetically, at least. Anyway, I paid at the register and returned to my office, and as I was looking through it (Girls, after shopping, will always take the time to examine and play with that which they have just purchased ten minutes earlier), I noticed that I had failed to purchase the Revlon Lipglide. Perhaps I had picked one up and put it down by accident. Oh well.

But then, Saturday, as I was reaching for my wallet to get my El card out of my purse, I felt something kind of pen-like, but fatter, in my bag. It was the Revlon Lipglide. Instead of putting it in my shopping basket, I had just gone right ahead and put it in my purse.

I was a little relieved to have been reunited with this precious piece of cosmetic cargo (and it is cool, by the way, if anyone is thinking of trying it), but scared at how I could have done such a thing without even knowing it. Of course, if somebody from Walgreen's had come up to me and accused me of stealing it, I would have denied it, but they would have found the evidence in my purse (but no Oxycontin; I'm no Winona Ryder.)

"But I didn't even know I took it," is what I would have said.

But even I know.

That's what they all say.

So then, SaturdayI had my beloved Second City Comedy Writing Class, and afterwards, I registered for a second term. After I left the office, I was putting my pen back into my purse, a Papermate Flexgrip in a medium blue, and I noticed that the cap was missing. "Oh well," I thought, "It's not worth going back into the office for it," and went home.

Then, Sunday morning, I was cleaning my purse (Girls, if they don't clean out their purses, will simply accumulate and accumulate more pens, kleenex, gum, matches, makeup, magazines, what have you, until they're all full and they have to buy new ones) and I found two pens. Two Papermate Flexgrips. One capped, the other not. Apparently, I had stolen a pen to go along with my Revlon Lipglide.

And, again, I would have denied it and I would have been caught and I would have said, "I didn't even know I took it," which even I know is what they all say.

I stole something, once, a long time ago, thanks to peer pressure. It was worth about 99¢ and I was so scared and it made me feel incredibly bad. It was a Power Bar from White Hen Pantry, ok? I still don't like knowing that I did it, and I'm sure that my parents will still yell at me for doing it, even though it was about 10 years ago. Anyway, what was so scary about taking it was not so much the threat of being caught but the fear itself of being caught. This time, however, these two episodes in the last week, I didn't even know I was stealing anything, so, obviously, I wasn't nervous at all. It was, sort of, the perfect crime.

Anyway, I'm pretty confident that these are two isolated experiences, because that brings the grand sum of things I've stolen in my life (besides the occasional handful of trail mix from Whole Foods) up to three. Just to be sure, though, watch your belongings.