Today is the day to bring me some grapes.
If you're a new visitor to Zulkey.com, you'll know that most of the time, I try to put interviews up on Friday. However, today, I'm going to talk about something of urgent importance, namely,
How I am the Ish
In case for some reason you are not following the most important news of the day, namely, how an author I interviewed is in some trouble with a television personality who lives in my town, then let me clarify. I was on "Anderson Cooper 360" last night on CNN for, I imagine, several precious seconds, discussing these events. I was very important and key to the program. In fact, they were thinking about renaming the show "Claire Zulkey 360" but figured that might be too confusing.
Now those of you who know me must be wondering: how will this change Claire? The answer is, profoundly. Most of you probably know already that I am too good to talk to you. But if you want to know how my life has changed since yesterday, let me fill you in.
On the bus ride home yesterday, I got on and decided I no longer needed to pay the $1.75 it takes to ride. The bus driver foolishly tried to inhibit my boarding. I said, "Do you know who I am?" He looked incredulous and said "No." Obviously he was being sarcastic, because of course he knew who I was, so I headed onto the bus. Fortunately I got a proper escort home when the police took me off the bus.
Then, at the coffee shop, I ordered my usual: coffee. The barista, who was obviously going to offer me some 'special treatment' in order to get some tips, asked if I wanted room for cream in my coffee. While I declined, I thought about the awful days when I just had to make my own room for cream, like a jerk.
Now, I only have time for my famous friends: Anderson Cooper, James Frey, Oprah Winfrey and Larry King. Although I haven't talked to them since yesterday. Actually I have never spoken to Larry King or Oprah Winfrey period. But that will change. Meanwhile, I have an affectionate nickname for Anderson: "Andypants." I haven't gotten the chance to call him that yet, but I bet in the meantime he's working on one for me too. It'll be so much fun when we get to hang out. I'm sure that will be soon.
Don't worry, I'll keep up Zulkey.com. I know the site will have a lot more cachet now that it's run by a big-time celebrity. I won't forget my loyal readers. Oh who am I kidding, of course I will. But here's a little something in the meantime, for you to sell on Ebay.
ps If you have an actual question requesting actual advice from my actual mother (aka my advice columnist, Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com) that is NOT related to James Frey, email it here.
Also, by the way, I have updated my biography
page since I realized a lot of the information on there is two years old.