Today is the day to give back the baby.

If you have an actual question requesting actual advice from my actual mother (aka my advice columnist, Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com) email it here.

The Newcomer: Another One-Act Play Featuring People Who Model Clothing in Advertisements in the New Yorker

hello my friend!

hello.

how is your new year treating you?

fine.

just fine?

yes.

why so blue, chum?

...

yes?

my wife has died.

ah! that is a shame! but never fear. life will go on. we will find you a newer, better wife in 2006.

I guess.

did somebody mention wives? ha ha ha!

who are you?

I am the headmaster! ha ha ha!

why are you so much bigger than we are? and in color?

because I am the headmaster! While I conjure images of dignity and authority, this full-circle cape is a majestic statement of refinement. Featuring a midriff length capelet for added warmth and comfort, and finished with toggle closures, this opulent cape will keep me warm and dry in sophisticated style.

but why does that mean--

silence! for I am the headmaster.

that is excellent! at which school are you the headmaster?

I am headmaster to no school. it is simply the name of my style of cape, and thus the name I have chosen for myself.

I find you delightful! friend, do you not find him delightful?

yes, he is pleasing to me.

I heard that you were having wife problems!

yes.

I had a wife once! but I expelled her. for I am the headmaster. did you expel your wife for hijinx and tomfoolery as I did?

no. she died of pleurisy.

ha ha ha!

ha ha ha!

 

ha ha ha!

...

ha ha ha!

why do you not laugh?

I guess I'm not in the mood.

silence! I command you to laugh!

ha. ha ha.

much better!

what an auspicious beginning to our new year!

silence! or I shall have you caned!

heh.