December 20, 2002

Today is the day to pick a better spokesperson.

Zulkey.com requires your holiday and New Year's stories. In fact, it's all I want for Christmas. From you.

Ladies...unsure as how to spread Christmas cheer on a budget this year? Check out my piece in Happywomanmagazine, "A Very Merry Emas," to find out how.

I first met today's interviewee when I was a young lass in a Catholic uniform (the real kind, not the kind you rent for Halloween.) She then left our school, and we met up again in high school, putting our mythical talents together on the school newspaper and onstage. She then sadly departed my life again for college, and now, here we are together, sharing Zulkey.com headquarters. She is lovely enough to launch a thousand proverbial ships, and she also wields the dangerous information of stupid mistakes smart women make to mess up their lives. She talks about this, cinema, and Mariah Carey with me today.

The Jennifer Nelson Interview: Slightly Less Than Twenty Questions

What are you reading right now, and how is it?
Well I'm glad you asked, because currently I am reading a copy of Walgreen's Teen Extreme! It's a health and beauty magazine that they were handing out free since no one would pay the original retail price of 99 cents. I have never seen so many spelling, grammar, and layout errors in my life. Yet, I suppose I found a few redeemable tidbits of info that I am willing to share. For example, I learned Enrique Iglesias' worst habit is thinking too much, and that, according to the karma quiz, I need to check my karma and figure out the effect my behavior has on others. I also learned "rainforest beauty" is all the rage and have deduced that zit cream and neon hair dye are very important components of the teen scene based on the mass amount of advertisement space devoted to both the former and latter. Also, I don't want to be a hater, but it was pretty obvious in my quick flip through that the magazine budget is not extensive enough to cover the cost of airbrushing the cottage cheese off Beyonce Knowles' thighs. I also just read the latest edition of Details magazine which familiarized me with the term "gay for pay." After reading an article about "heterosexual" men who star in gay porn for cash, I am left to ponder the age old question, "If it looks like a chicken, and it smells like a chicken..." Well you get the point. However, don't be so quick to judge me as judgmental, because in reality I would probably get gay for pay. Yes, most definitely, especially now during this commercialized and completely capitalist season when I am constantly reminded that my comfortable lifestyle is a big illusion and that in reality I am completely broke.

You're not afraid to dabble in the occasional self-help book. Have you learned anything valuable from them?
Good question and I would have to say that my answer is "yes" and "no". Reading self help books can be likened to listening to the black box of a crashed airplane. The technology/medium is cool, yet listening to the preceding events can hardly resolve the crisis. Some would argue that we learn from our mistakes, but in my twenty-something years of existence I have yet to be presented with the same life circumstances twice. True, I thank Dr. Laura for her book that details the stupid mistakes that smart women make, but by the time I read it I had already successfully done everything she deemed dumb. Well except for getting pregnant early… that's my one saving graceJ My mom is going to read this and tell me to knock on wood.

You are a poetess. Tell us about your nom de plume and why you chose it.
My nom de plume, that's pen name for all of you who are not as pretentious as Claire (just kidding ), is Lady Scarlet. There is really no profound reason for this name choice. One day I was dumped and my friend and I concocted a way of torturing my dumper by getting him to read all the harsh shit I was writing about him. We sent it to him under my pen name which pays homage to the original baaaadasssssss Scarlet O'Hara from Gone With the Wind. I think I saw the "Behind the Music" episode too many times, where No Doubt's Gwen Stefani torments her bassist/ex-boyfriend with hate lyrics. Anyway, I don't think my ex was fooled, and futhermore, I don't think he even cared. I wouldn't know though since I blocked him from sending me the very responses via email that would grant me any sense of satisfaction. Ironic, don'tcha think.

One of the perks of being your roommate is being able to read your poetry and comment upon it. Would you do us the favor of interpreting or commenting upon this bit of poetry, written by Zulkey's very own poet laureate Johan More?

Salt? Pepper? Tell me...

By Johan More

Oh, lady dove
you snowy
thang.
How I'd love
to wrap
my big hands
'round that
plump, plump
flank.

But, wait?

Those lips.

Why so big and full
like a grouper?

And, wait?

No job?

Something's not right.

You're no snowy thang.

Or are you?

Just tell me.

I will tell you that I have issues with the words "plump" and "grouper". They both hold negative associations for me. Why eat a grouper when you could have salmon or mahi-mahi? Grouper seems cheap, dirty, and best served fried. I also don't like the words "big" and "full" together since they conjure up images of fat or over-consumption. The phrase "something's not right" found in the text best expresses my stance on this piece. If this were written for me I would respond by proclaiming myself the antithesis to snowy, slushy perhaps, so that the author would lose interest. However, let it be said that as a writer I try to find value in the literary work of my contemporaries and therefore, I suggest that it is a great accomplishment on the part of the poet to have provoked such a fervent reply from a reader.

What was it like to grow up with a father who is a school principal? Especially when you ended up going to high school with many students of your father?
Yes, and a lot of them had my mother as a math teacher at Haven Middle School. It was absolutely fantastic attending the same school district where my parents were employed. I fondly recall those days when people would walk up to me and out of the blue pose, "Are you Mrs. Nelson's daughter? No offense man, but she was a bitch." My dad was also extremely popular and always on principal duty even when school was dismissed. As a matter of fact, he was a one man neighborhood watch, spying at my friends through the blinds in our living room and checking up on me while hiding in people's backyard bushes. My parents were known to bust into parties, hotel rooms, boyfriend's houses, anywhere they suspected I might be in "trouble." Obviously, with such over protective parents I found it extremely difficult to maintain any street-cred throughout high school though I tried my damnedest.

You are the only female child in a family of brothers; what was that like, and is it a shock to suddenly be living with two women?
Well growing up as the only girl, I developed a princess complex and suffered from delusions of grandeur. I felt I had this superhuman power which of course in vulgar terms could be coined "pu@#y power". I had the ability to hit without being hit back, to cry when something was "too hard", and to allege it was "my time of the month" whenever I wanted to get out of household duties or act in an irrational manner. On the other hand, I think I was the only child in the house that ever had a curfew and after the age of thirteen my dad started treating me as if I was some weird alien creature that he could not relate to. I suppose teenage girls are a bit baffling to everyone anyway. To address more timely events, living with two women is definitely challenging for me. Most guys have these crazy visions of us rolling around in our undies together but I want to tell these hormonal idiots to get real. Most men can hardly stand to committ to live with one chick, let alone imagine living platonically with two. Women are anal and bitchy and they like to clean…A LOT. The other day we were all eating dinner and right in the middle of gustation one of my roomies pops up and starts cleaning our kitchen countertops. This constant cleaning and responsible attitude is a new phenomenon to me. Also, a tad disturbing is the fact that there is long hair in the bathroom all the time and only half of it is mine. In addition, prospective gentlemen callers beware: we now have synchronized periods thanks to Meghan's virile hormones, so one week out of the month I advise you to just steer clear. My roommates cry, they scream, they are confrontational (well some of them), and they have been known to make strange noises at bedtime but they also commiserate, listen, support, and just get down right goofy when I need it. They also tolerate my flakiness fairly well and are pretty accepting of my character flaws so far. Oh yeah, another plus is that women cook and both Claire and Mae-Mae can throw down in the kitchen. [Editor's note: I have no idea what she is talking about. Okay, except for the hair thing.]

Speaking of your roommates, you knew both of them as children. Do you have any memories of them from their youth?
Claire had a big house with a light up globe and was one of the first people I knew to get an animated Etch-a-Sketch. [Editor's note: I never had the patience to make that damned dancing skeleton.] Mae-Mae liked to cry but maybe that was because as my mom puts it, I was a "bossy little bitch." Meghan and I were in a talent show together. We played "Merrily We Roll Along" and practice was held at my house. I remember being mortified because my dad served potato chips mixed with pretzels and cheese puffs to the ensemble members. I felt that was a tad ghetto. The most humorous and now infamous story of that era centers around Meghan's beautiful mother Paula coming to my house after practice. When Paula knocked at the door my little brother seeing her dark "complectedness" yelled "MOM!!! Dad's home!" assuming it was my black father. My mother was so embarrassed by my brother's unintentionally racist faux pas that we were pulled out of Catholic school and sent to an all black school the very next year.

You're currently a student at University of Illinois Chicago. Do you enjoy being a student? Or, on the flip side, what are you excited to leave behind once you finish your academic career?
HA! I'm not sure if many would refer to me as a student. I myself have always been troubled by labels so I tend to think of myself as a student in a broad, more inclusive sense since everyone is indeed a student of life. I have always had problems identifying with any one population and that goes for classifying myself with the college demographic as well. Do I like being a commuter at UIC? Hmm. Did I like being a co-ed at UW-Madison? Hmm, again. To put things in perspective, a wise salesman/guru at Marshall Field's recently advised me to first get the degree and then criticize so that people don't confuse my disillusion with inability. So I think I will skip part B of your inquiry. To answer the final installment of the question, I'm really not that excited to leave any single aspect of college behind; my anticipation is best described as extreme gratification in knowing that one day I will transcend all the restrictive and bureaucratic bullshit that forms the institution as a whole.

You're a yoga enthusiast, unlike myself and my mother, who says, "All that focus on relaxation makes me tense." What do you like about it? Do you think that the yoga craze will eventually taper off, or it's here to stay?
Well Claire, to be honest it seems that you are not as in touch with pop culture as I assumed. If you ask me, yoga's heyday was on the cusp of Y2K. I am currently into Pilates since I find this form of exercise best promotes my quest for booty growth. It also keeps one long and lean without having to do all the meditating crap. My problem with yoga, while simple, was not simply overcome. How can one not think, even about not thinking, in a room that is so quiet? I mean that is probably the time most conducive to processing thoughts that one will encounter all day. Oh, and P.S. my mother too hated the yoga classes although she was the one that enrolled us.

You are an aspiring actress. Which role do you think you were born to play?
All of them! If I must name a few I think I would be a natural: Sarah Jane, the tragic mulatto in "Imitation of Life", Ophelia to Johnny Depp's Hamlet, Anita to Benecio del Torro's Bernardo, Sister in the remake of "Sparkle" sans Ja Rule and Ashanti, Mimi in the film version of "Rent", Ava Gardner in "Showboat", and Brittnay in my own screenplay. Also if anyone wants to write a movie where the lead, a surfer by day, disco vamp by night tries to kick her blood habit and rid herself of an eternity spent in an abusive, lesbian relationship I would definitely be interested in starring.

What is the latest 'cultural' movie you enjoyed and the latest 'guilty pleasure' movie you enjoyed?
The latest 'guilty pleasure' I saw over and over again was "French Kiss." My friend is obsessed with said movie and we watched it in bits and pieces about five times last week. Meg Ryan movies are always good escapist bullcrap. Oh yeah and I watched "Boogie Nights" and will admit that I hold Rollergirl in the highest regard. Her roller talent must not be overlooked because of her chosen profession. When I was little, I was the klutzy girl that skated around with a pillow strapped to my butt, so I put Rollergirl on a pedestal. I digress. My last 'cultural' movie was "Midnight Express" which I watched for my screenwriting class. Before that I rented "Monsoon Wedding" which I love because it is saturated with life.

Speaking of crappy movies, tell us about the time you saw "Glitter" at the movie theater. Steve Delahoyde crafted this handy chart to relay real-life relationships to those in glitter. Do you think it's accurate?
Laugh if you must but I don't believe that it was mere chance that "Glitter's" video release coincided exactly with the date of my birthday last year. I have not figured out the larger significance behind this mysterious occurrence but I sleep better at night just knowing one exists. When Meghan and I went to see "Glitter" in the theater we were two amongst a group of five. Despite popular opinion, I enjoyed the movie, it was truly comedic and we even cried. As for the always welcomed houseguest Steve Delahoyde, I do find merit in his article. Delahoyde advises, borrowing from the movie, "Befriend an armed thug who will not think twice about shooting your significant other. Weep uncontrollably for five to ten minutes." If only I had paid heed months ago perhaps I would have been spared the heartache of a recent breakup.

Speaking of Mariah Carey (and this is the last question I will begin with "Speak with…"), is your love of said Butterfly a genuine one or an ironic one? Tell us about why you like, or 'like" her.
It strikes me as amusing that the "tenor" of this question suggests that a genuine like of Mariah is somehow unsophisticated. With that said, let me assure you that my admiration for said diva is in fact truth despite its' occasional mocking undertones. My love for Mariah is in a way self-love because of the parallels in our lives. I relate to Mariah because she too comes from a racially mixed background and was vocal about her struggles fitting into society's limiting categories. When I was young my mom actively "introduced" me to bi-racial celebrities. I admired Dorthy Dandrige, Vanity, Rae Dawn-Chong, Lisa Bonet, Jasmine Guy, Jennifer Beals, Cree Summer, and then Mariah. It was tough for me, living in a predominately white neighborhood and attending an all black elementary school. The aforementioned women gave me a sense of pride and let me know that there were others like me. My appreciation for Mariah heightened when I was picked to solo her remake of "I'll Be There," in a talent showcase. Later in high school I would get annoyed when people likened her fashion sense to that of a prostitute because that was how I liked to dress as well. I also completely empathize with her recent breakdown. I know what it is like to perceive yourself as perfect through others eyes, and then see their appreciation of your best taper off. I know what it's like to strive so hard for perfection that you make yourself ill in the process. I too know what it's like to struggle with body image and others' perceptions of who you are suppose to be. Lastly, I too know what it is to be in love so completely that you are blind to the reality that nothing last forever and then are so taken aback with disappointment that you temporarily lose your mind, purpose, and way. So that is why I like Mariah and if that makes me cheesy I don't give a fuck.

Now, I, personally, am a meatie and don't mind wearing animal skins. However, can you explain how you reconcile being a vegetarian yet owning a rabbit-fur coat? Personally, I think it's rather awesome.
Seriously, I am prejudiced against rodents so if guinea pigs were cuter I would have them scalped too. Cows are cute, but they are even cuter when they adorn my feet or are wrapped around my waist in the form of a suede belt. I am consciously doing my part for the environment by utilizing the by-products of the animals you slaughter for flesh. What follows, my personal ideology is not really political in any way. I just like my food sans mammal or poultry parts and my makeup and hair products not tested on animals- ideals left from my idealistic phase. To me, meat equals blood, fat, scary hormones and smelly farts. I think of seafood as a lot more glamorous and lady like. Sushi anyone?

You have been considering working with the Peace Corps. What brought on this decision, and what would be your ideal Peace Corps assignment?
Working for the Peace Corps is a metaphoric chance to face my fears. Sometimes people get too comfortable in life and that is where I feel I am at right now. I want to find out the true measure of who I am as a person and I believe the Peace Corps would supply me that opportunity. I have faced things that I never considered possible for me to handle and at the beginning of all of them I was a mess. I hope that in life I will keep being pushed out of my safety zone because that is how I learn the best- when life is kicking me in my ass. I also really, really enjoy helping others. It's purely selfish because I derive a sense of self-satisfaction when I tell myself I am making a difference. I applied to be assigned to the Inter-America and the Caribbean. Hopefully, I will get a chance to go somewhere where Spanish is the spoken since I need to learn the language. Quite honestly, who knows if I will chicken out. There is also a chance that I won't be accepted since I have yet to complete my degree. My next move is to fill out that physical form they sent, which is like the size of an Encyclopedia Britannica. Presently, the Peace Corps is an idea I am trying to become acclimated to and I enjoy mentally torturing myself with the scheme.

Apparently, you feel the need to be in a music video. Why is this?
Who told you that I feel the need to be in a music video? Yes, right after I get back from the Peace Corps I hope to make it onto a video set. Haha. Well staring in a music video is not a driving force in my life but I definitely wouldn't mind it. Although we're not talking about me walking around in a bikini getting Cristal sprayed on me by some thugs. I definitely wouldn't agree to any Trick Daddy, *NSync, Ja Rule, or Ludacris videos. My ideal video would be for an edgy song and have a "raw", arty feel to it. I also would hope for glitter makeup, fake tattoos and pierces, hair extensions, snakes and really tan, greasy skin. I have a thing for body adornment and no one adorns bodies so extravagantly as video stylists and Indian women. I don't like a lot of today's videos with all these beauties draped on ugly, overcompensating ignorant asses that would never even get a glance without their record deal. I feel those videos are overdone and I really don't care if you get laid anyways. I wouldn't consent to be one of many bitches, that will never be my style. I will have to be THE GIRL in the video. Well that would be my fantasy, but I shouldn't kid myself because temptation is harder to resist when accompanied by a sizable check.

In your day job, you work with children. Can you give us one example each of evidence that a.) children are our future or b.) children are silly and self-centered?
Yes, let's discuss children especially after talking video hos. This is funny. OK, I digress, back to the question. Yes, I truly believe children are our future. Take for example our current president, George W. Bush. Like every little boy, he wants to be just like his daddy, he cheats to win races, and he can't wait to play war with his toy soldiers. Getting serious though, I hope children are my future. There are many things in life I hope to accomplish and having kids is one of my top priorities. Children are great and I can't get enough of them. I am not ready for my own babies now, but I am lucky enough to get paid to help others' family. Kids are so beautiful in their innocence, selfishness, bluntness, and inability to absolutely mask themselves to the outside world. Their excitement and passion is infectious and I hope to never lose those aspects of my character and completely mature into an adult. When I am down I live life through the eyes of the shorties I work with and then I start to feel better. Sometimes I feel like I should pay them for all that they do for me, instead of the vice-versa reality.

How does it feel to be the 37th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Honestly, I can't understand why I wasn't the first.