September 6, 2002
Today is the day to just go ahead and say it: you never loved me.
Today's interviewee is a very busy man. First of all, he is a ridiculously prolific and talented writer. But even moreso: he has a new baby! And she's so cute! Wait: This interview is about the father. Not that baby. Well, mostly. Here we go.
The Ken Gordon Interview: Twenty or So Questions
First and foremost, congratulations on being a new Daddy.
Tell us about the name you and your wife chose and why.
First of all, you should never begin an interview with the words, "First
and foremost." Didn't they teach you that at Georgetown? Sheesh.
Second of all, our fresh-faced kid is named Shoshana Nan Gordon. "Shoshana," which my sources tell me means "lily" in Hebrew, is for my late grandmother Lillian Gordon. She was warm and fun, and she played a mean "Hava Nagilah" on the piano. The "Nan" is for a close friend of my wife's family, Nan Friedlander, who died of cancer a while ago. She was super-brilliant, and a Dean at MIT
Third-and finally-of all: Shoshana's friends call her "Shoshi." Her enemies haven't told us what they call her.
What other names did you consider, for boys and girls?
Fact is, Z Money, our baby names are the protected intellectual property of
Lisa and myself. I could tell you what they are, but then I'd have to kill
you and all your readers. Best to keep this a secret.
As a first-time parent, what have been the most difficult things so far?
What have been the best?
Most difficult thing: having to get up a 4:00 a.m. because the little girl
just won't go to sleep. Best things: listening to Lisa read Shoshi Harold
and the Purple Crayon and dancing with Shoshi to Elvis
Costello's All This Useless Beauty.
Any complete surprises that you weren't prepared for?
My daughter's ability to send up great arcs of urine while on the changing
table.
Was there a particular point during Lisa's pregnancy that you realized
that women unequivocally bear the brunt of biology?
It was obvious from the first, but I'm afraid I can't hand over the gory details
to your shamelessly voyeuristic Zulkey.com readers.
Okay, enough baby questions for now. You published a Salon
Masterpiece on Philip Roth: The Zuckerman Books. When and why did you
decide that this was a topic befitting a Salon Masterpiece?
The "when" is easy: January 15 (which happens to be Martin Luther
King, Jr.'s birthday) at 10:01 a.m. As for the "why," allow me to
quote my pitch letter: "I have no doubt that some day the Zuckerman books
will be read by people in oversized Proustian volumes…. I'd like to give
Salon readers the scoop on the story. Wouldn't you?"
Please tell us about your
letter to Lewis Lapham. After writing that piece, were you struck by any
additional, perhaps unexpected querying advice that aspiring writers should
know?
(a) Any commentary about said letter would detract from its pedagogical/humoristical
value. So I'm afraid I must take the proverbial fifth.
(b) Fortunately, I have never been struck by any querying advice-expected
or unexpected-but if I were, I'd certainly challenge it to a duel at dawn.
Give us three story
ideas for The Rake, with
the promise that no reader or editor from Zulkey.com will steal them. They
don't even have to be good ideas?
1. The Rake: Clever Title, or Something Else?
2. A Comparative Analysis of the Bostonian and Minnesotan Accents
3. Hormel Builds Spam Museum-Millions Flock to Midwest
What is a Thought Mechanic,
and do they harass
pretty young women in need of grammatical tune-ups?
Yo, yo, yo, baby, who wants to know? And can I get fries with that shake?
An unnamed source says about you, "Let me tell you-the man knows
how to rock." Ok, it was David
Mogolov. So tell us about the method you use to rock, and how you pronounce
"Tneuqa."
If you must know, I'm a "method" rocker, also known in some circles
as a "m'ocker." And you'll be interested to learn that Mr. David
Mogolov plays the saxophone. It's been said that when he toots his horn he
rocks a camel's ass. Metaphorically, of course.
On the Tneuqa tip: here's an unpublished sidebar from an article I wrote for Boston Business Forward:
Some of you may have noticed that "Tnueqa" is "Aquent" spelled backward. ("Aquent," for the linguistically curious, is a word derived from both Latin and Greek that means "not a follower.") How'd the band get such a moniker? Mike Smith, Aquent's VP of Human Resources, paid $500 for the nomenclatural privilege in an informal company auction. Rejected names included The Devil's Steakhouse, Genitallica, and Dana Plato's Republic. Of the pronunciation, Smith says, "I prefer 'Tuh-NEW-ka,' but some say 'Tuh-NEW-quah,' and I've accepted that this bit of controversy gives the name an air of mystery. Kind of like 'Aquent.' Or should I say 'AH-cue-ent'?"
Okay, so the guitarists have the mystique, the drummers are the funny
guys, and the bassists are the steady backbeat; where does that leave the
keyboardists?
Far, far in the background-sort of like online humorists. Here I follow Gustave
Flaubert: "L'artiste doit être dans son oeuvre comme Dieu dans
la création, invisible et tout-puissant; qu'on le sente partout, mais
qu'on ne le voie pas." (Or, for those of you, like me, who never really
parleyed Italian: "The artist must be in his work as God is in creation,
invisible and all-powerful; one must sense him everywhere but never see him.")
You have experience imparting wisdom to young people. Tell us about your
teaching background.
I've said all I need to say on the subject in an essay called "The Pathetic
Appeal of Ken Gordon." It will appear in the second issue of Sweet
Fancy Moses. Matt Herlihy would appreciate it if your readers all
bought subscriptions.
Have you heard some screwy excuses from kids who didn't do their homework?
A student once plagiarized a paper-he just put his name on someone else's
essay-but couldn't figure out how to remove the original author's name off
the headers. Sad.
Ok, you have edited an online magazine for independent
professionals followed by a satire
zine. Do you see much more of those types of projects in the future? What
would they be? More humor? Or something more serious?
The magazine business is pretty freakin' awful today, so it's hard to predict
what my next editorial project will be. Still, I'm always keeping my eyes
peeled (as they say in the Bay State).
With Knowumsayin.com, you solicited writers, but did not accept submissions.
Was there any particular reason for this decision?
No.
Like most of you guys out in Boston, you are unbelievably accomplished;
you also review books. Do you have any strategies for book-reviewing that
keep your reviews informative but at the same time entertaining?
Speaking for "most of us guys out in Boston," I'm embarrassed to
hear you pronounce our accomplishments as "unbelievable." To me,
our achievements seem all-too-believable. As for maximizing the infotainment
nature of my book reviews, I refer Zulkey.comians to lines 333-346 of Horace's
immortal "Ars Poetica"
What's one thing you've experienced that you hope your daughter gets to experience,
and one mistake that you've made that you hope she never makes?
I would love to my daughter to live abroad some day. Mistakes? Listen
up, Shoshi: "A woman of genius makes no mistakes. Her errors are volitional
and are the portals to discovery." (Actually, you won't be sailing through
these portals until you're 18 and living out of the house-capiche?)
How does it feel to be the 21st person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Can't you just ask me what my favorite cuss word is (à la James Lipton)?
Okay...What's your favorite curse word?
Curse word: It's a tie between "whoreson dog" and "she-aht."
Which one do you prefer?
Whoreson dog, for sure. But I'll take 'em both.
You know, whoreson dog is a billion times better than she-aht. That's my final answer!
Okay! For some reason, I am going to post this entire cuss word conversation. Now we had best stop before this gets ridiculous.