September 5, 2002

Today is the day to practice your freestyle rap.

First, I have a piece on The New York Morning News about the ladies of "Saturday Night Live." If you haven't been watching lately, perhaps it's time to start. They're part of the reason that I take Second City writing courses and I'd like to think--and hope--that they're doing their part to give women more opportunities in comedy. We'll see.

And today. Oh yes, it's time. time for:

PAUL KONERKO FAN FICTION!

But first, check out these smiling faces. I had a hard time figuring about whether I should put this up because I look like such a huge dork in this picture, but at least I'm dorky with happiness.

Now here comes the fun.

Ben Brown:
Was considerate enough to save me space and write his fiction and link it.

Tung Le:
"A Day at the Park (M/F baseball mitts, groupie, Mad Libs)"

Claire could barely contain her excitement causing her (body part) to (verb). The sweat glistened off along her neck and (body part) as she walked toward the field. And there he stood, at first base, just like in her (adjective) dreams. His
(body part) beckoned to her, and she could sense it calling to her.
"You must be Claire," Paul smiled invitingly.
"Yes, I am," Claire responded nubilely.
"Listen, after the game, do you want to (verb)?" he tendered tenderly.
"I'd love to," she moaned breathlessly, "but why wait till later?" And with that she removed her (article of clothing) and began to (adverb) (verb) his (noun).

Matt Wilson:
Two weeks until retirement... that's all I keep thinking: Two weeks. I have pretty much already spent my pension in my head; an apartment in the Keys, some new beach shirts, and enough left over to keep my in the drink and on some beach - just get me out of this City. 31 years on the job and the Keys seemed like the only way to get the smell of Chicago outta my hair and the dirt from the gutters out from under my fingernails, and now this: a hole in my gut the size of a fist, my partner telling me to hold on, and the feeling from my legs - now my stomach - now my arms - gone. He's still saying,
"Sonny, who did this to you? Who did this two you?" and I bite my lip, take my last breath in and swear I can smell seawater when I tell him: "Paul. Paul... Konerko."

Andy Knight:
Scene 1

Generic Two Second Outside Shot of Voyager cuts to Interior shot of the DINING QUARTERS, where we find NEELIX preparing something steaming in a high-tech alien-looking POT. Neelix approaches a table where TOM PARIS has many cards laying out with a tall, high-tech alien-looking CUP perched at the corner.

NEELIX: More Bernushian Menganade, Tom?
PARIS: Please!
NEELIX: (Pouring alien-looking steaming beverage from POT into CUP) I don't mean to interrupt, but I can't help but wondering... Oh, I shouldn't bother you.
PARIS: (picking up the CUP and bringing it close to his lips) Spit it out, Neelix! What do you need to know?
NEELIX: (cuddling POT awkwardly) Well, I was just wondering why you have all of these primitive pictures laying out. Are they family?
PARIS: (Putting CUP back on table) They're baseball cards, Neelix. They were very popular in the 20th century.
NEELIX: Oh! I see!
PARIS: I'm only missing a few cards, but unfortunately there isn't anyone in the quadrant to trade with.
NEELIX: (walking away, still clutching POT.)[mutter] A base ball?

A loud noise is heard, the ship is jolted and the LIGHTS switch to RED ALERT mode. RED ALERT SOUND sounds. CUP tips over on top of CARDS. PARIS gasps just as he notices that Neelix is on the floor, steaming, with POT laying next to him. He glances at his cards again, secretly contemplating saving them first. PARIS runs to the side of the steaming NEELIX, hits his COMM BADGE and shouts...

PARIS: Medical Emergency in the Dining Quarters!!

Camera pulls in tight for a close-up of PARIS and steaming NEELIX. Cut to OPENING CREDITS.

Scene 2

JANEWAY enters the BRIDGE where she finds CHAKOTAY in the CAPTAINS CHAIR, TUVOK at the SECURITY STATION and KIM at the COMM STATION. Various expendable extras are at the other stations and walking around the high-tech looking outer WALL. The RED ALERT mode LIGHTS are on.

JANEWAY: (Looking at CHAKOTAY with a little bit of lust in her eyes) Report!
CHAKOTAY: (Returning JANEWAY's lustful gaze) We've run into some sort of quantum static flux anomaly.
JANEWAY: (Turning to the large display SCREEN) On screen!

SCREEN displays spooky-looking ANOMALY. PARIS enters from TURBO LIFT and heads towards OPS.

PARIS: (Looking at SCREEN with a little bit of lust in his eyes) What is that?
TUVOK: It's a quantum static flux anomaly... and it appears that something is coming out of it.
PARIS: (taking over OPS from an EXTRA) Taking evasive action.
KIM: It's a ship. I'm picking up 18 life signs on board.
TUVOK: It's a Ferengi vessel.
KIM: I'm reading 17 Ferengis and... one human.
JANEWAY: A human?!
KIM: It appears that they have him in a holding cell. Captain, his life signs are weak.
JANEWAY: Transport him directly to sick bay, Harry. Tuvok.
TUVOK: On my way, Captain. (Tuvok heads towards the TURBO LIFT)
KIM: The anomaly is closing.
JANEWAY: Give us some distance, Tom.
PARIS: Aye, Captain.
KIM: The Ferengi vessel is being pulled back in.
JANEWAY: Tractor beam.
KIM: They're out of range.
JANEWAY: Can we get a transporter lock.
KIM: It's too late... wait... NOW, it's too late.
JANEWAY: Oh, well. Tom, go assist the Doctor.
PARIS: On my way.

Paris begins to stand. Cut to SICK BAY. Door opens, PARIS enters to find the DOCTOR and TUVOK standing over KONERKO as he lays on the EXAM TABLE. NEELIX is nearby, treating his burns with a DERMAL REGENERATOR.

PARIS: How is he?
DOCTOR: He's going to be fine, I was just about to bring him around when you came in.
PARIS: That's Paul Konerko!
TUVOK: You know this man?
PARIS: Know him!? I've got all his cards! Or at least, I HAD all of his cards until Bernushian Menganade spilled all over them.
NEELIX: The base cards?
PARIS: BaseBALL cards, Neelix.
DOCTOR: If you two don't mind, I have an unconscious man lying here.
TUVOK: Proceed, Doctor.

The DOCTOR uses a HYPO SPRAY on KONERKO's neck. His eyes flicker dramatically before opening wide. TORRES' enters.

TORRES': Tom, you were supposed to meet me for intercourse.
PARIS: Not now, B'Elanna, we have a great baseball player waking up here.
TORRES': Baseball, Tom?! Really, I don't mind when you put your [AIR QUOTES] cars and [AIR QUOTES] TV ahead of my sexual needs, but now it's baseball?
KONERKO: An alien! This is all very disorienting... and strangely arousing.
PARIS: That's my wife, Steve.
KONERKO: A girl named Steve?
PARIS: No, you're Steve.
KONERKO: Paul.
PARIS: What did I say?
KONERKO: "Steve"
PARIS: Sorry.
TORRES': He's sexy.
PARIS: B'Elanna! Your my wife.
TORRES': I didn't say I was going to sleep with him, I just said he's hot.
DOCTOR: His temperature is fine.
PARIS: B'Elanna, just don't flirt with Steve.
KONERKO: Paul!
PARIS: Right!
NEELIX: As the diplomatic adviser, "morale officer", and chef of Voyager, I'd like to personally welcome you aboard... uh, Voyager.
KONERKO: No, the name's Paul.
NEELIX: I understood that. "Voyager" is the name of our ship.
KONERKO: Who's the sexy circus freak?
PARIS: Oh, you've met Seven of Nine?
KONERKO: (to TORRES') There are eight more like you?
TORRES': No, I'm B'Elanna Torres'. Seven hasn't come in yet, Steve.
KONERKO: PAUL!
TORRES': Damn! Sorry...
KONERKO: So, is this some sort of joke? What happened to the big eared freaks?
PARIS: Hey! He's standing right behind you! Try to be a little sensitive, Paul.
NEELIX: Steve!
KONERKO: PAAAAUUUUL!
NEELIX: Isn't that what I said?
DOCTOR: No, you called him "Steve".
NEELIX: No, Tom called him "Steve".
PARIS: I said "Paul".
NEELIX: Then what's all the fuss?
DOCTOR: Tom, why don't you take our guest to see Seven?
PARIS: Love interest?
DOCTOR: Exactly.
NEELIX: What about a love interest for me?
DOCTOR: You already had Kess, and she left.
NEELIX: But I had to share her with you and Tom!
DOCTOR: Don't blame me because your Ex was sexy.
PARIS: SHE was hot.
DOCTOR: That was just her physiology. Anyway, take Seven to meet Paul.
KONERKO: Steve! No, no... you had it right.
PARIS: He had it backwards.
DOCTOR: No I didn't.
NEELIX: You said "Take Seven to meet Steve".
PARIS: Paul!
KONERKO: Yes?
PARIS: No, he mixed up your name.
DOCTOR: I didn't!
PARIS: Not you! You just switched Seven with Paul.
TUVOK: Why am I just standing here?
TORRES': Love interest.
PARIS: B'Elanna!
TORRES': Not for me...
KONERKO: No!
DOCTOR: No, not you either, Seven.
PARIS: Seven?
DOCTOR: She should be in Astrometrics.
PARIS: No, you just called him
TUVOK: Excuse me, but I'm a love interest for who?
NEELIX: (As camera zooms in on NEELIX) Finally!

Scene 3

ASTROMETRICS LAB, ICHEB and SEVEN OF NINE are busy at work. The door opens and PARIS and KONERKO step through.

KONERKO: I don't do boys.
PARIS: No, that's ICHEB. Steve, meet Seven. Seven, this is Steve.
KONERKO: (sticks out his hand, brimming with lust) Claire?
SEVEN: Is your name Steve or Claire?
KONERKO: I'm Paul.
SEVEN: Where's Steve?
KONERKO: There is no Steve.
ICHEB: There are four Steves on board. Ensign Jenkins in Engineering, Ensign Bright on D Deck...
SEVEN: Yes, we know all the Steves.
KONERKO: How did you get here, Claire?
SEVEN: I'm not Claire Zulkey.
KONERKO: Are you sure?
PARIS: Claire Zulkey, that sounds familiar...
SEVEN: Indeed. I did some research into Steve's past
KONERKO: Claire!
SEVEN: I'm not Claire.
KONERKO: I'm Claire!
SEVEN: Claire is dead.
KONERKO: NOOOOoooooo!
PARIS: [slapping KONERKO] It's 2378! Snap out of it!
SEVEN: Anyway, as I was saying... you can stop slapping him now.
PARIS: What? Oh! Sorry!
SEVEN: Anyway, Steve
ICHEB: Paul.
SEVEN: Ensign Jones?
ICHEB: Paul Konerko. (pointing at KONERKO) Him.
SEVEN: Yes, Paul. Paul met a human girl who interviewed him.
ICHEB: Claire Zulkey.
SEVEN: And Paul
PARIS: Steve
SEVEN: PAUL!
KONERKO: Yes, Claire?
SEVEN: Mr. Paris, resume slapping. (Tom starts slapping KONERKO)
ICHEB: Paul fell in love.
SEVEN: He was obsessed. Claire left him for a Senator from Missouri.
KONERKO: Andy!! Garrrrhhhh!!!!
SEVEN: Resume, Tom.
KONERKO: Paul!
PARIS: I'm Tom! (Starts slapping again)
SEVEN: Paul began seeing every sexy woman as his beloved Claire.
ICHEB: Until he vanished.
SEVEN: It would appear that he was abducted by the Ferengis. Then, in a freak occurrence, they were pulled into a static... flux
ICHEB: A quantum static flux anomaly.
SEVEN: Yes. And it pulled them through space while keeping them all in a state of stasis.
ICHEB: Time froze.
SEVEN: He's bleeding pretty badly.
PARIS: (stops slapping) I think he's unconscious.
ICHEB: He might be dead.
PARIS: (letting go of KONERKO, he slumps to the floor) Who killed him?
ICHEB: I wasn't watching.
SEVEN: It could have been anyone. May I continue.
PARIS: The anomaly opened again here, half a galaxy away, three hundred years later and coincidently, in front of the only human vessel in the entire quadrant.
SEVEN: Yes! How did you know.
PARIS: Wild guess. What I don't understand is why he didn't think B'Elanna was Claire.
SEVEN: B'Elanna is cute.
PARIS: Right
SEVEN: But she's not sexy enough.
PARIS: And you are?
SEVEN: Yes.
PARIS: Ok, I'll buy that. So, he traveled all this way just to be killed by Icheb.
SEVEN: Right.
ICHEB: What makes you think I killed him.
SEVEN: You had the motive.
ICHEB: What motive?
PARIS: Love interest.

Scene 4

SICK BAY. The DOCTOR is standing over KONERKO. PARIS is at a CONSOLE monitoring KONERKO's vital signs.

DOCTOR: Well, there's nothing I can do. Icheb was just too brutal. I'm afraid that Paul is dead.
PARIS: Wasn't that just a bogus rumor?
DOCTOR: "Bogus?" What does that mean?
KONERKO: Excuse me...
DOCTOR: Oh, yes! Slang for a mistruth or falsehood. Information or activities that have been falsified.
KONERKO: I could use an aspirin.
DOCTOR: I won't be caught distributing pharmaceuticals to the dead!
KONERKO: Didn't The Dead break up after that fat guy died?
PARIS: This is very distracting. Doctor, can you get that corpse to stop talking?
DOCTOR: How do you suppose I do that? I can't control the dead!
KONERKO: I'm not dead!
DOCTOR: I beg to differ, sir. It's quite clear that you are, in fact, deceased.
KONERKO: Then how am I still able to talk?
DOCTOR: While we may seem godlike, what with all of our seemingly advanced technologies, and you probably should worship us, it doesn't mean that we can explain away every mystery the universe has to offer.
KONERKO: I think I may know...
DOCTOR: I'm not going to waste my time indulging the fantasies of a cadaver. Mr. Paris, I'm ready to begin my autopsy.
KONERKO: I'm still alive! That would explain it!
PARIS: Doctor, I'm still reading life signs. There must be something wrong with the sensors.
DOCTOR: Indeed.
KONERKO: Ok, how did I die?
DOCTOR: Well, my initial thought was that it was the projectile damage to your face.
KONERKO: What?!
DOCTOR: Of course, it could also be the poison or the knife wounds to the torso.
KONERKO: [sitting up] I'm fine! I'm just a little battered... and I've got one hell of a headache.
DOCTOR: Please lie still, I don't have all day for this.
KONERKO: [getting up and moving toward the door] I'm out of here.
DOCTOR: Paris! Stop him!
PARIS: Who? Steve?
DOCTOR: Too late.
PARIS: He'll be back, it's just a matter of time.

HALLWAY. KONERKO comes to a corner and peaks around. A door opens and KIM steps through it. KIM appears sweaty and hastily dressed. As he steps away from the door he fixes his hair. KONERKO slips behind KIM and enters the room.

PARIS'S ROOM. We briefly see KONERKO's silhouette in the doorway. The door closes.

TORRES': Ready to go again so soon?
KONERKO: OH! I must have stepped into the wrong room.
TORRES': Computer! Lights! [the room lights up to reveal TORRES' lying in bed. The sheets are in disarray, but come up to cover her breasts, one leg remains exposed.] Steve!
KONERKO: Um, sure.
TORRES': You look [air quotes] tired.
KONERKO: What the hell. I've never had a circus freak before.
TORRES': Take off your clothes and tell me more about this "circus". It sounds beautiful.
KONERKO: [removing his clothes quickly] Why don't I come under your bigtop first.
TORRES': Let's just use the bed, ok?

KONERKO slides under the covers and begins to kiss TORRES'. SEVEN OF NINE enters from the bathroom. She is naked.

SEVEN: Paul!
KONERKO: Claire!
TORRES': I thought your name was Steve.
SEVEN: My name is Seven of Nine.
TORRES': Not you.
KONERKO: I'm Paul.
TORRES': Who's Steve.
KONERKO: Jesus!
SEVEN: Computer! Where is Jesus.
COMPUTER: Jesus is not on the ship.
KONERKO: You people are driving me nuts.
TORRES': Oh, I know what you mean! Tom uses old fashioned dirty talk with me all the time!
KONERKO: No, no... ok, yes. Computer! Lights!

Scene 5

BRIG. JANEWAY and TUVOK enter to find ICHEB in a cell and an EXTRA at a console. TUVOK nods to the EXTRA and the EXTRA leaves the room.

JANEWAY: Well, you've done it again.
ICHEB: I'm sorry.
JANEWAY: What do you have to say for yourself?
ICHEB: I'm sorry.
JANEWAY: Aren't you even sorry for what you've done? Have you no remorse?
ICHEB: I'm sorry.
JANEWAY: I certainly expected better of you. Especially after the other times.
ICHEB: I'm sorry.
JANEWAY: Well, Icheb, I won't have you killing anymore time-displaced sports stars. OK?
ICHEB: OK.
JANEWAY: Well, Tuvok has a suitable punishment for you. I'll leave you in his care.

JANEWAY leaves the room and TUVOK drops the FORCE FIELD on ICHEB's cell.

TUVOK: For the next year, you will work as security for the brig for the graveyard shift. It's a largely unsupervised position, so in your boredom I hope you will learn to regret what you have done. Here is your phaser [TUVOK hands ICHEB a PHASER]. This is a dangerous position [TUVOK points to the empty cells], and I expect that phaser to remain set on "KILL" at all times. Do you understand?
ICHEB: Yes.


READY ROOM. JANEWAY enters to find TORRES' and CHAKOTAY waiting. JANEWAY sits down.

JANEWAY: You said that there is a problem with the Doctor.
CHAKOTAY: B'Elanna checked his subroutines, it seems as if they've been tampered with.
JANEWAY: Tampered with? How?
TORRES': KONERKO isn't dead.
JANEWAY: What?! But we buried him this morning!
TORRES': Shoving him into a Jeffries tube isn't really burying him.
CHAKOTAY: Anyway, he's alive and the Doctor's programming is flawed.
JANEWAY: I should have believed Gary when he told me he was alive.
TORRES': Paul.
JANEWAY: What did I say?
CHAKOTAY: Steve.
TORRES': No, she said Gary.
JANEWAY: Who were we talking about?
CHAKOTAY: The Doctor.
TORRES: And Paul.
JANEWAY: So, the Doctor is alive.
TORRES': No, Paul is alive.
JANEWAY: The Doctor is dead!?
CHAKOTAY: The Doctor is a hologram, he was never alive.
JANEWAY: All the same, I'll miss him.
TORRES': He's not going anywhere. He was just malfunctioning.
JANEWAY: So Paul can be fixed?
TORRES': Paul is fine. A little worn out, but fine. The Doctor needs some repairs.
JANEWAY: What happened to him?
TORRES': He had too much information hidden in his matrix.
JANEWAY: How did this happen?
TORRES': People have been hiding holoprograms inside him. Mostly porn.

At this, all parties shift in their CHAIRS. CHAKOTAY stands and moves towards the door.

CHAKOTAY: I, uh, have some... reports to... file.
JANEWAY: Can you take care of some of my... reports, too?
CHAKOTAY: [leaving] Of course.
JANEWAY: So, how did you find out that Jason lives?
TORRES': Chris. No! Paul.
JANEWAY: Right, Paul. Anyway...
TORRES': Claire and I started to get the feeling that he was still alive a few hours before the funeral. [grinning] Our suspicions were raised several more times today.
JANEWAY: Claire?
TORRES': Oh, I meant Seven. Anyway, after our suspicions were raised for the forth time, we decided to do some checking.
JANEWAY: What did you find?
TORRES': That the Doctor was malfunctioning and that Paul is very much alive. Haven't you been listening?
JANEWAY: Hmmm? I'm sorry, what was that you were saying about porn?