July 12, 2002

Today is the day to have one more for the road.

Do you ever come to Friday, read my weekly interview, and wonder, "But I want to know more about Claire! There is not enough Claire Zulkey on Zulkey-dot-com!"

Well, today, you are one lucky bastard. Mike Choi over at Choizilla made the flattering and dangerous decision to interview moi. Check it out here.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled interview. Check out the most gorgeous and fabulous Renaissance woman ever to hail from Cleveland.

The Sarah Mallin Interview: Slightly Less Than Twenty Questions

You are the fourth Northwestern University alumna to be
interviewed on this site. Why are you Wildcats so magnetic?
Well, what I have to say is, why the hell am I the fourth and not the first?! This site has good taste and seems to know a lot of NU alums, as it lives and works in both Chicago and Evanston. And, the alums seem to like this site. But, the magnetism we have actually comes from being exposed to the strange, sometimes radioactive, sometimes electromagnetic, science experiments that go on at the Tech
building up there. We've been exposed to more magnetic fallout than most lab rats. People are literally attracted to us by a force field.

Where do you have more fun, at Comiskey Park or Wrigley Field?
Wrigley Field, because I know through the whole game that I have a short walk home instead of a long smelly train ride.

Do all great chefs love butter?
Even when I was a vegan, I refused to believe that butter what a dairy product. I don't know about all great chefs, but I sure as hell love butter. You know that commercial about how the lady's kids eat all the time and there's a shot of the Dad watching one kid eat the last thing out of the refrigerator when he says, "Is that a stick of butter you just took a bite of?" I could be that kid.

Tell people who aren't familiar with it about the tabla
A set of tablas is actually made up of two drums, a tabla (played with the right hand) and a bayan (serving as the base, played with the left hand). When ever you hear Indian music, tabla is what you here as the percussive part in the background. It's not Indian music without tabla. I started because I liked the tabla and was in love with my beautiful tabla teacher. Now I love playing tabla, and have gotten over the crush on my teacher (though he will, always, hold a special place in my heart as my teacher). Playing is one of the things that I like most. And, if I ever want to freak people out, or convince would be harrassers that I am actually an insane person, I just start reciting one of the compositions over and over: dha dha dha kite taka di - kite taka tere kite taka dha tete kata ge di gene gen te ron ne dha din ta kat . . . You can see how this would be effective.

You're creating the perfect salad. What's going in it?
Mesclun greens, extra arugula as a base, then one of the following sets as the additions:
1)strips of red beets, pear, carrot and jicama sauteed in olive oil and orange juice, with chick peas and pecans
or
2) tomatoes, basil, toasted bread, canellini beans marinated in
balsalmic vinegrette then add artichoke hearts, hearts of palm and olives with basil and some nice salami

As a yoga teacher,have you ever had any crazy students?
Not that I recall. I usually made them focus so much on their breath and the difficult poses that they don't have time to show it if they are crazy. I have known some crazy yoga teachers though.

If you were to seduce somebody with French, what would you say?
Ou est le lit, parce que tu es tres beau!

If you were to seduce somebody with poetry, what would you say?
My heart aches and a drowsy numbness pains my sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk.

As somebody who works at The Art Institute of Chicago, is there much truth to the sterotype of Art Institute students all being nose-ringed dye-haired gloomy kids?
I wouldn't say gloomy, they seem pretty up beat. Only a few are nose-ringed. And I like the colorful hair.

Why do you love Tom Cruise so much?
I don't. He loves me.

What's the best part about being a vegetarian?
Giving it up and resuming the eating of fish, chicken and pork!

Conversely, what's the best part about being a carnivore?
It reminds you that we come from the ruthless animal kingdom and are not really as evolved as we'd like to think we are.

You have a million dollars to throw a party. How would you spend it?
On a beach in the Aegean or at Cinque Terra with a few of my good friends and loved ones. Then we'd go for a big meal. Then, I'd put the other million in the bank.

You take yoga, play guitar, sing, and sometimes speak with a British accent. Are you Madonna?
No! And I am fucking sick of her copying me all the time. Get some of your own hobbies, 'Donna.

You cook, produce great quantities of crafts and art, beautify your home and stay up late doing all these things. Are you Martha Stewart?
Ditto on the above. Plus, I have no money in stocks and am not being investigated by the IRS. Furthermore, instead of having lackey's do my work and then taking credit for it myself, I actually do all of the work myself.

You go to a lot of readings in Chicago. What, based on what you've learned, are some tips for staging a very bad reading?
Ask that horrible girl I saw read once who pronounces cacophony as 'kac-o-phone-y' to read. She'll make the whole thing suck every time.

Sarah Jane Mallin, you possess some very coveted physical traits such as having brown hair, brown eyes, and average height. How does it feel that your driver's license has enabled the underage drinking of many a young girl in the Midwest and East Coast?
We'll I think I've made at least $30 in profits off of it, and some good friends, so it's been good to me.

You're casting a star-studded, multi-Oscar-nominated movie. Who's going to be in it?
Well, me, of course. And Johnny Depp. We'd be the romantic leads. And Claire. Then Kate Winslet, Juliette Binoche, Ewan McGreggor, Gwen Stefani, Kevin Spacey, Jeff Bridges, Spike from Buffy, Mel Gibson, Luke Wilson, Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, the guy from Donnie Darko, Elvis Costello for Claire, Liz Phair for my friend Andrea, Elliot Smith and Bruce Springsteen for me, and some cute young yet unknown guy as my other romantic interest.

How does it feel being the 14th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Again, why wasn't I the first?