Today is the day to discover the horrible truth about hyenas.

My pal Fielding Smith is many things. She's crazy, she's beautiful, she's crazy/beautiful. She's also hella smart and fun and you should learn more about her because her facets are too many to count here. But I will try.

The Fielding Smith Interview: Slightly Less Than Twenty Questions

Okay, Fielding, you're stuck on a desert island and you can only take either The Little Prince or one of the Harry Potter books with you. Which would it be?
Now that's a tough one, but I suppose I choose The Little Prince. After all, if I'm on a desert island and I have one book to read over and over again, it might as well be a charming, beautiful, and intelligent book narrated by a man whose plane crashed in the middle of the desert. Wait, maybe the Little Prince would come and visit me too and tell me all about his adventures! (Another plus: my French would improve dramatically!)

So why do you have two last names?
I actually have three! Fielding Darr Smith. The short answer-they're all family names. (Shocking, I know.) Fielding came from my mother's favorite uncle, also Fielding Smith, so when she (mom) married a Smith (dad), she decided her firstborn would be named Fielding, whether that child was a boy or a girl. Darr is my father's grandmother's maiden name. It's Irish, like she was. I like my name. I can always spot junkmail since it's addressed to Mr. Fielding Smith.

You worked for Sally Quinn. What did you do, and did she tell you who Deep Throat was?
Like any good research assistant, I can divulge nothing. So sorry. But I can tell you that one day I want to own Sally Quinn and Ben Bradlee's exquisite Georgetown mansion. Their library is the envy of bibliophiles everywhere. The back porch overlooks a lawn with bright, well-kept flowers
leading to the swimming pool which is just before the tennis court. Imagine the parties one might throw!


You also wrote for The Hill. Have any good juicy stories about life in Washington, or, dare I call it, the Hill?
That was part of a different life. You'll have to do more digging than that if you want me to disparage myself to a national audience! I do recommend Hill experience to everyone. Hill staffers are young, fun, and from everywhere. Writing about them for a small Congressional newspaper was a great way to spend a summer.

How many Phish shows have you seen? Was it really essential to see all of them?
I don't know anymore. I used to have a running tally, but it's been so long since I've seen 'em, that I've forgotten the exact number. I know it was in the sixties. I had a blast at all of them. Well, there was one show in Cleveland in fall of '98 (I think) that was forgettable, which sucked 'cause there we were in Cleveland. All the way to Cleveland-through the forest of burning smokestacks, across the industrial waste dunes for a low-energy show. But there were so many unbelievably great times. Three weekends in Hampton, VA- all spectacular, orgasmic even. Big Cypress was tremendous. Man, I had some of the best times of my life on the road with my craziest and oldest friends going to see that band play music. Don't get me started. I might shed a tear for those care-free days of old, that is, before I sold out to corporate America! (hey-mom and dad aren't paying for those vegan burritos and Oat-y Stouts forever, right?)

You studied at culinary school last summer. What are some of the hot tips you can give us?
Uh, try to clean up as you go along. Trust me, you won't want to later. Remember to wear gloves when working with super-hot peppers, and don't touch any part of your body with them, especially not your eyes. They really do
burn. And under no circumstance are you ever to go to culinary school, meet a boy, and attempt a bi-coastal relationship founded on love of food and wine. It can only go badly. Take my word for it. And that's the best tip I can offer about that today.

Rank these travel experiences of yours from least exhausting to most exhausting: a year in Florence, spring break in Jamaica, Oktoberfest in Munich, Georgetown Beach Week at Myrtle Beach and a weekend skiing in Zermatt, Switzerland.
A ranking in terms of exhaustion, eh? Well, alright, but this is in no way a best to worse list. Some were more mentally and emotionally taxing while others were physically abusive, but this is the best I can do.
MTV Spring Break Negril (My god! Did anyone sleep?) Beach Week at Myrtle (some rest was achieved, I think, but I don't really remember)
Oktoberfest (aka-Disneyworld soaked in beer)
Year in Florence (That's not a fair question since Oktoberfest and Zermot both happened that year.)
Zermatt (This was the most wonderfully relaxing vacation ever. One might even call it perfect, as I'm sure Miss Zulkey would agree, since she was there and all.)

You are a Georgia peach hailing from "Hotlanta." What are some of the biggest misconceptions of Southerners that really make you mad?
People think we're all stupid rednecks. Now, while there's probably some redneck in all of us (thank the lord!), stupid does not necessarily go along with that. People also tend to assume we're all racist. What's up with that? I would hate to burst anyone's bubble, but racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia...(the list goes on) exists everywhere. The South does not have a monopoly on hate, but we do have plenty of good lovin' and Southern hospitality to go 'round for everyone, thank you very much.

What are some conceptions of Southerners that are actually rather accurate?
Some Yankees think we still hold a grudge over the Civil War. They may be right to an extent. You see, these same Yankees come down to Atlanta and complain that the city has no character, that it's too new. Well, duh! You people burn it to the ground 100 years ago and then smack us upside the head for not having any lovely older buildings. That's just not right.

When should one drink bourbon and when should one drink whiskey?
You silly, silly girl. Bourbon IS whiskey. So, when one is drinking bourbon, one is also drinking whiskey. Other types of whiskey include Scotch, Irish whiskey, sour mash whiskey (which is bourbon not made in Kentucky, since all bourbon by definition comes from Kentucky), Canadian whiskey, etc. And, in my book, it's always appropriate to drink bourbon, any time or place, but especially on porches at dusk, or at horse races, like the Derby for instance. Make mine a Maker's Mark on rocks!

What book have you been re-reading lately and why?
I recently re-read The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. It's an all-time favorite. It's a good book that encourages, or even exaggerates existential yearnings so that, after you've felt them deeply, you can go back to being a normal drone. Now I need something light, so it's a toss-up. Today I'll either re-read A Confederacy of Dunces or Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (since the movie's coming out and all.) Yep, there's nothing new in my library just now. I'm just re-reading stuff I know will give me the fix I'm looking for.

What are some videos you own that you'd hide if you had a party?
All the porn, obviously. But seriously, I wouldn't hide any, although I do have an awful lot of cheese. Buried in between BBC's Pride and Prejudice, Remains of the Day, the Hitchcock classics, The Matrix, Star Wars, and Lawrence of Arabia are titles like Bring it On, Coyote Ugly, Shrek, and 10 Things I Hate About You. Some might be embarrassed by this discrepancy, but not me. Some nights I want to hang out with Bridget Jones, others with Henry V!

Not that you know anything about it, but if one wanted to learn how to chug a beer with extraordinary quickness and neatness, what are some hints you would offer?
What are you implying, Claire? It's not something that can be taught. It's an inherent skill. You either have it or you don't. Sorry! If you have it, there's money to be made on college campuses! I teach a seminar. For only $75, you too can learn the secrets of letting college boys buy you beer so you can hussle them out of their daddies' money! You can contact me through Zulkey.com if you're interested.

That question segues nicely into the next...what are some of the responsibilities of a debutante?
Responsibilities? Well, a debutante has to be beautiful, charming, refined. Well, whatever. She must also be able to hold her liquor, love to party, and have a true talent for shopping. A debutante must be married or engaged within one year of her debut, or else she officially, by definition, becomes an Old Maid. So, er, my time ran out 3 years ago. Oh darn.

You work in public relations. How is your life like Samantha's from "Sex and the City"?
Didn't you know? Samantha's character is based entirely on me! I schmooze, hobnob, and jetset. I have an impeccable, although often daring, fashion sense. And I have the largest libido this side of Amsterdam's red light district. Unfortunately, Samantha's life is not real. There's no time or energy for sex when you work 70 hour weeks. Come to think of it, there's really no time or energy left for much of anything.

When we hear the name "Fielding Smith" 20 years from now, we'll recognize it instantly. The question is, why?
After becoming the first woman to be featured on the cover of Forbes twelve times (not to mention The Economist, Time, Newsweek and all the others) before turning 30, for single-handedly turning the global economy around, leading the United States to full economic recovery while at the same time protecting all children world-wide from exploitation, as well as accomplishing a sustainable peace in the Middle East through her vast diplomatic skills, Fielding discovered a deep love of biochemistry, going on to cure AIDS, thus saving millions of lives and Africa from extinction. She holds the Nobel Prizes for both Peace and Literature, a Pulitzer for her daring account of a global Masonic conspiracy, and is the first non-Catholic in the history of the Church to be sainted by the Pope before her death. Her autobiography, recounting these and countless other accomplishments and adventures, not to mention the stream of broken-hearted fools left in her wake and her marriage to George Clooney, remained #1 on the New York Times best seller list for a record 9 years.

If Kate Spade is going to custom design a bag for you, what will be some of its features?
The bag's most important features will be: 1) It will incorporate optical illusions so that it looks small and cute even though my whole life fits in it; 2) It will be a magical bag, so that every time I open it to pull something out, whatever it is I'm searching for (keys, let's say) will come immediately into my hand, thus saving me from fishing around for my keys in my purse ever again. Other than these two properties, I have the utmost confidence that Kate will turn out the perfect one-of-kind bag to fit my personality. I give her total artistic license.

When can you justify buying an $80 bottle of wine for two 21-year-olds?
Oh, so many ways! One simply must have an $80+ bottle while sitting on the terrace of the Villa St. Michelle in Fiesole, Italy, for instance. Or how about a nice '89 or '93 Brunello for one of said 21-year-old's birthdays. Dinner at the restaurant Galileo in our nation's capital deserves to be accompanied by such a bottle, and as I recall, this has been accomplished by interviewer and interviewee. For the 25th birthday dinner, one should go with a '78 Bordeaux. What else?

How does it feel being the 8th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Damn insulting. Why wasn't I the first, again?