Today is the day to cooperate with the police.

I recently purchased a pair of aluminum hair chopsticks, very cute, for $5 each. They each end in a very sharp point, so sharp that you could easily put somebody's eye out with them, and I'm sure they could actually serve as weapon. I've actually considered trying to remember to wear them in upcoming risky situations (which, as the editor of Zulkey.com, I find myself in so frequently.) However, each time I put these chopsticks in, I suffer the small fear that I will accidentally stab myself in the back of the head and die of my own clumsiness.

This is only one of my irrational, odd fears. Amongst the other ones are:

-That I will enter a stall in a restaurant's or public bathroom stall, only to discover some grinning weirdo who gets off on being 'walked in on' in such positions.

-That I am slowly brushing my gums away.

-That I will accidentally pull out all my eyelashes while curling them.

-That I will wake up one night to hear the hideous screeching noise of my teeth grinding.

-That I will find a scary vein while eating a steak and it will bleed on me.

-In a similar vein (ha ha ha ha! ha ha! No, seriously, ha ha!),that I will find a beak in one of my eggs.

-Less perilous, that I will break a cd or dvd struggling to wrest it from a new jewel case.

-That for some reason, I will be called upon to run a mile in under 9 minutes.

-That while skiing, I will accidentally ski straight off the mountain, even though that's not really possible.

-That I will be swimming in Lake Michigan and suddenly find some huge specimen of fish, which scientists had thought was extinct for millions of years, or possibly was not aware of at all, attached to my leg.

Didn't know I was such a weirdo, huh?

Oh, you did?