May 3, 2002

Today is the day to wonder whether the world needs another movie about a horse.

Stevie Kuenn rocks. Stevie Kuenn rolls. Stevie Kuenn rules. Read all about Stevie Kuenn and then email her about how much she rocks, rolls, and rules. And tell her congratulations on her engagement and her general fantasticness.

The Stephanie "Stevie" Kuenn Interview: Slightly Less Than Twenty Questions

Let’s start at the top. Why is “Stevie” a nickname of “Stephanie?”
Before we go any further, Claire, I just want to mention that it’s pronounced “Keen,” not the ever popular “Q-en” or “Quinn” or “Coon.”
Now there are two versions explaining my nickname, both told by my beloved parents Kelly and Judy. The first is that my younger brother, star Division-III hockey player Kyle Kuenn, could not pronounce the complicated word “Stephanie” and instead said “Stevie.” The other is that my mom really liked Fleetwood Mac and thought “Stevie” sounded rather cute. Seeing as Kyle didn’t start saying complex words like my name until I was nearly five and I have memories of being called “Stevie” before then, I rely on the rock-star version.
Plus that means I can give my children names like The Edge, Jagger, or Stephin.

You recently got engaged. How have you planned for the romantic-comedy gaffes that could occur, i.e., the Best Man forgets the ring, an old boyfriend stands up to protest the union, your dress catches on fire and whatnot? How will you prevent this from occurring?
I’ve hired The Rock to oversee the entire affair. He’ll lay the smack down, and he’s a real bargain compared to the Hell’s Angels.

Why should more people see “Donnie Darko”?
Oh, man, I love this movie. It really touched a nerve for me. I felt like Richard Kelly, the director, really captured the suburbs and, more importantly, teenage life as it is – they’re not hard-partying buffoons or miniature adults. They’re just kids, and they mean well. It’s got great performances, especially from Jake Gyllenhaal. It’s also really daring and it poses some interesting questions about time, space and love.
I also really enjoy the soundtrack – Kelly matches music to movement so well. I love the requisite makeout scene—all to the tune of “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division. Oh, how perfect.
But if you’re one of those people who can’t handle non-linear storytelling or movies that don’t spell out the answers for you, well, skip it. You’re just not cool enough for “Donnie Darko.”

Tell us about your blog. Can people handle the mind of Stevie Kuenn? Thank you for linking Zulkey.com, by the way.
Why, you’re welcome. I’m always happy to link to smart people like yourself. It’s just a place for me to discuss my rabid left-wing political views, write diatribes against the music industry, post pictures of an Osama bin Laden action figure and tell my 19 readers what I’ve been cooking as of late. My guess, given my pathetic stats, is that most people can handle the mind of Stevie Kuenn and after discovering so, realize that they have much, much better things to do.

You’re an uneducated East Coast-er who only has 1 day to spend in her first visit to Wisconsin. What must she do to get the full Wisconsin experience?
The first thing you have to do is go to a bar called The Plaza, located on Henry and Gorham streets in Madison, Wis. Walk in, sit in a booth underneath a giant framed photo of an outdoors scene and order a New Glarus Spotted Cow and something called “cheese curds.” They are deep-fried bits of cheese and they’re delicious.
Then drive to Green Bay and take a tour of Lambeau Field. Follow that up by driving along the absolutely gorgeous shoreline of Door County. Buy a bottle of the cherry wine while you’re up there.
You get the fatty food and the liquor, the crazy tradition and a view of the country’s loveliest shoreline. It should explain everything.

If you were to grow up and become a star novelist/essayist/
journalist/poet/critic/playwright/musician/screenwriter,
which would it be, and why? Or would you just prefer not to grow up?
Oh, I’m already grown up. I don’t think I could pick one artistic-type person to be, so I’ll stick with myself. I know this is the lame-ass “free-to-be-you-and-me” answer, but it’s how I feel. There isn’t anyone who is a combination of
Richard Russo/David Sedaris/Gail Collins/TS Eliot/AO Scott/Ibsen/David Bowie/Charlie Kaufmann, and that’s who I’d want to be.

Is “Showgirls” really one of your favorite movies, or is that just a bit of ha-ha amongst the film elite?
I really, honestly and truly, love “Showgirls.” Paul Verhoeven made a brilliant comedy about Las Vegas and show business, but didn’t tell anyone else involved, and that’s what makes it work. No, it’s not the most technically advanced film in the history of the medium, but it’s very, very enjoyable.

If you had all the money in the world to plan your wedding, how would it be different from what it’s shaping up to be?
Can you say $475 punch ladle? Also, we would hire Cameron Crowe to deejay.

How are you going to avoid any of the “Top Ten Wedding Mistakes,” as listed in “Chicago Bride” Magazine?
Well, I have no plans to blow my entire budget in the next three weeks, which is I think the number-one mistake they list. Uh, yeah. I don’t remember the others, but I think if I follow the mantra “Don’t be stupid,” I should do all right.

You’re in graduate school at Northwestern University. When you look at undergrads, do you think to yourself, a.) “What a bunch of morons” or b.) “Ah, I ruefully reminisce about those golden days” ?
I’m a total snob. I’ve been removed from being an undergrad for one year and now I’m just like, “Christ, how much do you people drink?” Now, I don’t disdain all undergrads, but when I see the packs, I just cringe.

“Obviously the college you attended failed to teach you the basics needed to survive in the real world.” This is from an email you received in response to an article you wrote for Flak Magazine. What is this referring to, and is there any merit to this statement?
I made a joke in a review of the Guess-the-Sitcom Character/Dictator website, and said that Ronald Reagan counted as a dictator. This moron didn’t get it. I wrote him back and said that my fine, nationally recognized and beloved alma mater did teach me a sense of humor. Only wittier.

If you were to change one thing about the movie industry, what would it be?
Um, boy. I think I’d make them ban Jerry Bruckheimer.

What’s a book you’ve read lately that you think would make a kickass movie, and who should be cast in it?
“Empire Falls.” It won the Pulitzer this year. It’s about an economically depressed small town in Maine and how the lives of its residents intertwine. It’s really engrossing, epic and enjoyable. (Hey, alliteration!) I’d cast Kirsten Dunst as the smart teenage daughter of the book’s lovable-but-down protagonist, the manager of a small restaurant. He’d be played by Tom Wilkinson. And Maggie Smith would be the rich eccentric mean woman who owns the whole place. And it would be wonderful.

Ok, “Charlie’s Angels” sucked big time. But why is it that when we realize that Eric Knox (played by Sam Rockwell) is actually a bad guy, he’s suddenly sort of hot?
Because he starts dancing and smoking. Moping Sam Rockwell? Not so hot. Smoking/dancing Sam Rockwell? Gorgeous.

In 2000, you won the award for Best Batting Average for the Team Onion softball team (with an astounding .388.) You retired soon after. What was that, sort of a going-out-on-a-high-note sort of thing?
Well, due to the salary caps in the Spokane League of the Madison School and Recreation Committee, I had a choice: I could leave for a team with more money and face brutal hatred from my former team and its fans, or I could retire with my awesome stats and be beloved forever. It wasn’t too difficult to decide. Money isn’t everything.

What’s the best present you got this Christmas?
I’d say the pre-war Japanese print that my handsome and charming fiancé gave me. But my parents bought me the Velvet Underground box set, so that’s a pretty good second place. Oh, and my youngest brother got me a T-shirt from the “athletic department” of the community college he attends part-time.

What’s the best idea or project you had, writing-wise, that didn’t work out?
I can’t think of an example of a writing project, but I had this brilliant idea for a documentary about this crazy guy from St. Paul who wreaked havoc on the Ramsey County court system. He believed that his car – with a homemade license plate reading IAMEMBASSY – gave him sanctuary from this country’s traffic laws. Shenanigans ensued. He gave his name once as “IdonotgiveupmyGodgivenrights.” Awesome.

Now that you’ve seen both worlds: for aspiring journalists, should they go j-school or regular school undergrad?
Do not major in journalism as an undergrad. Major in a liberal arts discipline, like history, political science or econ if you’re brave. In a huge undergraduate program, where broadcast, new media, print and PR are all merged together, you’re not going to get the focus, experience or attention you need to develop as a writer. You should, however, immediately hightail it to your nearest student newspaper, literary magazine or, for the especially ambitious, community paper and harass them until they can’t imagine the place without you. Clips and experience will get you places, and a liberal arts degree will give you an understanding of the world around you. They make you learn how to write and make clear arguments in the liberal-arts, too, and that will certainly come in handy.
If you don’t have the skills you feel you need, think about graduate school for journalism. You’ll get the focus, attention and respect that I found missing as an undergrad.
(I majored in history and journalism. You can guess which I preferred.)

How does it feel to be the…wait, let me see here…the seventh person interviewed for Zulkey.com? Remember, this is not in order of popularity.
I feel like the we’ve finally bridged the gaps between the Claire Zulkey Generation and the Stevie Kuenn Generation. I feel like our generations just couldn’t surmount their differences until this interview appeared on Zulkey.com, and now they have a chance to “rap” and “get real” with each other.