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This Friday's interview is with the one, the only Liz McArdle, Executive Assistant at Rep. Joseph Crowley's office. She knows Claire Zulkey well. Perhaps a little too well. I'm sure if you drop her a line she'll regale you with the stories that could not be shown on Zulkey.com. Too hot for cyberspace!

The Elizabeth McArdle Interview: Slightly Less Than 20 Questions

You matriculated from Georgetown University, which is known for producing politicians. Was a career in politics your goal when you elected to attend Georgetown?
No, not at all, though that is a logical question given that I do work on Capitol Hill.
I think I displayed my burning interest in politics sophomore year of college when I enquired, “Who is this Monica Lewinsky chick anyway?” several months after the investigation was underway.
I’m not really sure if I even am a registered voter in [my home state of] New York, but at Georgetown I was the freshman hall representative for my freshman floor.

Speaking of college, how important is it to have a good freshman year roommate?
A freshman year roommate can become one of the most influential aspects in college. Here are some of the wonderful things I learned from my freshman year roommate: spare no expenses at CVS; write thank you notes; the White Sox are better than the Cubs; date your best friend; people who wear contacts really can’t see without them and it’s funny to watch them put toothpaste on their toothbrush because they hold it really close to their face; the term 'gym shoes' makes a lot of sense but I’m still going to call them 'sneakers'; send your friends packages; Conan O’Brien would make a great husband even though he’s now technically married; coffee makes you civilized; treat yourself to absurdly overpriced and completely unnecessary treats from Dean and Deluca; drink Pepsi One; buy cool things to put in your hair; drop everything for good movies such as 'Grease' or 'The Princess Bride' that always come on at inappropriate times; fat-free cream cheese is gross; start your own web site.

Back to politics. Have you been able to pick up a lot of guys by telling them you work "on the Hill"?
No, and thanks for reminding me.
One of a few things does happen when a guy learns I work “on the Hill”:
I am not in Washington and I accidentally say, “the Hill”, and he gives me a sarcastic, “Ooh, the Hill!," as if I’m an egocentric Washingtonian, like this is the only hill in the country.
I meet someone here in DC who is savvy of the lavish salaries we Hill staffers enjoy and he offers to buy me a drink, which will often lead to:
A heated political discussion of exciting world of international politics and Beltway intrigue, which is really not my cup of tea (note reply to question #1), or:
He is an intern, desperately looking for a job and it hoping to use me as an inside edge. That really happened. His name was Andrew and he actually asked me what kind of grades I got in high school. And after I dropped him I saw him on the street and he acted like he didn’t see me at all, but how could he have not seen me? We were crossing the street at the same time! Jerk.

Regarding romance, what's with French? Why do people consider that to be such a romantic language?
French is a very beautiful language because completely unromantic phrases can sound euphonious to the innocent ear. See, even the word for nasty, degoulasse, is pretty.
I also think the French have earned a romantic reputation because of their outlook on life: very laid back and completely self-indulgent. No one works in August. No one waits until the end of class to have a cigarette when they can just fire one up right there. No one feels the need to go to work on a regular basis: 35 hours is just too much. No one picks up after his or her dog, it’s good luck to step in it anyway. No one puts the cheese and the milk back in the refrigerator, it’s fine right there on the counter. No one, guys especially, feels the need to be shy or reserved when it comes to picking up girls. And no one likes to hide his or her body beneath loose clothing. Bah, sais pas, moi, peut-etre on se considere les francais romantiques parce qu’ils s’embrassent la joie de vivre.

What was that? Was that French? Anyway, please explain to us what Dimension X is.
You are talking about the Dimension Game, no relation to “dementia” though the case could be made. This game takes place in Ferncliff cemetery, right across the street from my home in Ardsley. There are several different time dimensions and the only way to travel between them is by means of a giant earthquake that makes everybody roll down the hill. The typical scenario was that our parents were trapped in Dimension X, while we were only in Dimension 3 or so. Since I invented this game, I am the only person who knows the way between these distant dimensions, and it’s a long way between X and 3. Fortunately, for our parents, we always found them and brought them flowers.

Can you discuss your affinity for chewy candy?
Red Swedish Fish are my favorite, but I also went through a very serious Laffy Taffy phase at Georgetown because they had them at Vital Vittles. Vanilla is my favorite flavor but I try other flavors too. I also really like the jokes.

Please explain why you believe that "Pencil" would be a good name for a dog, and, inversely, why "Hammy" is not a good name for a hamster.
Pencil, as the name clearly demonstrates, is ideal for a black dog with white paws and white at the very tip of the tail. The tail: that’s the pencil. I still don’t understand why my mom made us call our dog Midnight.
Hammy, on the other hand, does not work so well. Hamsters named “Hammy” really tend to lose it, unlike dogs named “Pencil” who may flourish under their unique identity. The only Hammy I ever knew brought about his own demise in a carefully plotted scheme involving his own wheel, a semi-unstable screen cage top, and a great leap to his death. Lesson learned: hamsters don’t like being called “Hammy”.

If we may say so, you have a very nice butt: you must be into physical fitness. What are some of your tricks to stay motivated for exercise?
I have a couple of tips to get motivated. A good workout tape is the best place to start, but most people know to distract themselves with music and or any form of entertainment that allows one to forget they are exercising in the first place. Personal favorites include “Move This” by Technotronic, “American Music” by the Violent Femmes, and “Goodbye Girl” by Squeeze.
One of my own strategies is the little-known practice called “the sleeping-in-your-gym-clothes-so-you-have-no-choice-but-to-go-to-the-gym-in-the-morning method.” Most people pack their gym bag or lay their clothes out ahead of time, but why not just put them on?

Knowing the actual words of songs is awfully overrated, don't you think? For instance, I used to think that 'Til Tuesday's song "Voices Carry" was actually "This is Scary." Do you have any similar tales?
I can say I’ve been a constant victim to the complete misunderstanding of song lyrics.
One such example is a friendly classic, “How Can We Be Lovers”, which I know is followed by “if we can’t be friends.” But there is definitely a verse when they’re starting to break it down when they go: “How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends, How can we be lovers if we can’t be Ed McMahon?” It never occurred to me to apply logic to the lyrics but maybe they are right. I mean, how can we be lovers if we can’t be Ed McMahon?
But it does not end there. I also lived for years under a serious misunderstanding of the words to Def Leopard’s, “Pour Some Sugar on Me”. One would think the title would tip me off - but no. I was reasonably certain the chorus was: “Pour some sousaphone the way.” The way? What the hell was I thinking? I also don’t think sousaphones can be poured, let alone poured the way.
But I am not alone in my troubles with this Def Leopard classic. A friend of one of my cousin's spent the better part of her life believing the words to the chorus were actually: “Awesome, dudical, wow”. Wow. That makes me feel better - at least I got the “Pour”.

How would you compare the comedic stylings of Chris Farley and Dana Carvey?
They have very different styles, both highly entertaining though. The Dana Carvey stand-up is a true classic. I like to think of him when I’m chopping broccoli.
If I had to choose, though, I would have to say Chris Farley has made me laugh harder than any other comedian. The Saturday Night Live Chris Farley special is an integral part of my life, even though I need to take breaks from it because it eventually gets on other people’s nerves when I start laughing even before something happens. The sheer anticipation sometimes gets me.
His inspiring words often come in handy in every day life, too. "Holy cannoli". "Mmm, God, these are good . . . Leave me alone, man, I’m starving". "Your head is a thick candy shell". "Richard, why? I’m not a heartbreaker." "You weren't really dead, right?"

Please tell the world who Taffy and Holly are.
Taffy and Holly are my stuffed dogs. Taffy is a little bit bigger because she is the mom and her fur is more worn because she’s older. They don’t like when [my friend] Brett calls them mean names [like "Whory" and "Slutty"]. They are extremely well traveled, having spent a year in Paris and a summer in Ireland. They had some trouble with the language barrier but still enjoyed the experience. They are very understanding dogs, especially when then end up stuck in between my bed and the wall for a night or sometimes longer. Occasionally they have play dates with [my roommate] Christina’s Babar. They like his new shoes and they think he is really funny.

If you have a motto, what is it?
Be your own best audience.

St. Patrick's Day is always a special time for you Irish-Americans. Something special happened on St. Patrick's Day, 1998. Please tell us about it.
It was a rainy St. Patrick’s Day that year and I came home to my roommate and my hair was suddenly curly. Until that day, I would say my hair was more on the wavy/frizzy/why-can’t-it-look-like-it-does-when-I-get-my-hair-cut type. But it turns out when I don’t brush my hair and let it air dry, it gets curly. I seriously run into people from high school who ask me if I’ve gotten a perm.

That's truly a tale for the ages. What is with this country's fascination with roller coasters?
I think we really like using lame metaphors to describe life, as if we are old quirky dads. For example, “The ups and downs, the joys and sorrows; this roller coaster that we call life”. It’s also highly enjoyable to bring yourself near death and to the point of vomiting every now and then. Got to keep things interesting.
Aren’t you scared of roller coasters, Claire?

Yes. You're a pretty relaxed, fun-time girl, but are there any elements of your life, or personal habits which you are very strict about?
My teeth. I floss regularly, I brush excessively, and I truly enjoy going to the dentist. In fact, I was pre-med to become a dentist freshman and sophomore year. But that didn’t work out so now I’m just a really good patient.
I’m also pretty anal about my mascara.

Picture it. You're pleasantly drunk at a fun bar. Cute guys and good friends are around. It's almost closing time. What song do you want to hear most?
“Living on a Prayer”, Jon Bon Jovi

Lastly, how does it feel to be the first girl to be interviewed for Zulkey.com?
As someone who has been with you since the inception of your humorous writing and an avid fan of your web site, I am truly honored to be a part of Zulkey.com.
I am also looking forward to the days when you are a part of the daily lives of millions of Americans, not just mine. Claire Zulkey will become a part of our language. When someone does something that’s funny in a bizarre sort of way, we will say, “Oh, Claire”, regardless of the person’s name. When someone is being dominant and self-assertive, we shall call him or her “The Zulk”. If someone is acting exceptionally slow, we will say Claire as though we are my little brother when he had a speech impediment: “Caa-lllaa-wwah.” Finally, we will use your name as an adjective that is difficult to define but we will all know what it means when we say, “She’s so Claire.”
I’ve enjoyed being a part of your web site and I wish you all the best. I hear your voice when I read your writing, and I can only hope you hear me laughing.