I'm not doing it this year! I know that because I work from home and have a suburban home it's expected that decorate the front of my home in gourds and pumpkins and corn stalks and scarecrows but I'm telling you I'm not doing it. (Obviously it is expected of me -- otherwise why do grocery stores sell those tiny little pumpkins? For shame and for guilt!) Last year I spent $100 on ten pumpkins to line the front steps of our house and after schlepping those shits home and lining them up, do you know how they looked? Chintzy and dumb and not at all festive. On top of that, like an idiot every day I went outside to spray the pumpkins with a soapy/Tabasco sauce mix to keep the squirrels away. It worked but I felt foolish.
It's possible that I'm bowing out of fall decor because I'm angry that I cannot do it effortlessly but really I'm just not going to adhere to society's expectations of me as an autumnal home owner. (Similarly I do not buy into the annual requirement that as a parent you take your children to a pumpkin patch/apple orchard and take photos and post those to social media.)
If you want fall decor to look at, cast your eyes downwards at the yellow leaves on our sidewalk and enjoy. Otherwise, I'm out.
If you want to hear me talking about other things that are the worst, here is Wendy McClure and me playing "The Worst" on WGN-Radio with Justin Kaufmann.