My cousin Regina married her husband Jeff (as famously captured here). I like Jeff very much as a person but it doesn't hurt that he is basically the heir to a spicy pickled vegetable fortune. Actually I have no idea if there is actually a fortune or if he is the heir but his family owns a 111-year-old food company in Chicago that makes very Chicago-ey food, most famously its giardiniera (a word I have a very hard time remembering how to spell). A few times Jeff has shown up at our house with a big box of goodies like the peppers and pasta sauce and olive oil and it makes me really happy.

Anyway I've been cleaning out my files and found some commercials Steve and I had written for Marconi. We had  mentioned to Jeff many years ago that we enjoyed their silly radio ads, where WSCR-670 (the Score)'s Mike North said he liked their giardiniera on so many different foods that he even ate it off his shoe. Jeff then asked Steve and me if we'd be up for writing a few new radio ads and we thought it sounded like a funny thing to do and so we did. I don't think, for reasons that will become obvious, that any of these made it to air. Some of them might be racist towards Italian, possibly? Anyway, we knew these were pretty dumb but Jeff seemed to enjoy them, because we got a big box of food of spices, salad dressing, and giardiniera soon after.

HOOK: Marconi tastes homemade and not from a factory, like other giardiniera.

#1 "Marconi products TASTE homemade, yet you can buy their foods online.  What's their secret?"  Cut to a voiceover of a tired Italian grandma going "Vincente! Why you make nonna work so late?"

#2 A sad robot talks about how he's out of work thanks to the homemade foods from Marconi...and the saddest part, of course, is that he can't enjoy them. 

#3:  "A lot of things that don't taste good come from factories: cars, bombs, robots--so why would you expect manufactured giardiniera to taste good?" 

#4: There are a lot of things you wouldn't want to come from a factory, like your dog" (cut to dog barking a mechanical "WOOF" and a clanging noise as a guy tries to pet him" so why would you want your giardiniera to?

HOOK: Clarifying the Mike North spots

#5: An "official" comes on to say that you "may have heard on this station that it's safe to eat Marconi on your shoes" and then goes on to state that this in fact not safe, unless, of course, the shoes are made of salami, etc.

HOOK: Marconi is spicy but worth it

#6: Marconi puts Italian hair on your chest (versions with both women and men, and of course both are thrilled with their new chest hair) 

#7: Marconi kind of hurts my mouth but I power through, and that's how I got the discipline to climb Mt. Everest, raise 9 children and teach myself to breathe underwater, etc.

HOOK: Marconi makes more than just giardiniera!
#8: Back to the Mike North spot: the giardiniera is good on your shoes, the muffaletta on your hat, the eggplant salad on your belt buckle etc. 

#9: "My Italian picnic sucks!" (Sad grandma again, crying "Vincente!  Why-a is your picnic so sparse?)  But go to the Marconi site to order everything you need to add a little Italian to any meal.

HOOK: Marconi is the taste you grew up with
#10: There are plenty of things that you grew up with that may have let you down--your brother asks you for money, the family dog ran away, but Marconi's been there for you--some giardinaire while you watched the game, muffaletta at your wedding, etc etc...