I've noticed lately in less-intelligent political discussions (read: comments sections) there is a lot of "I heard" being used to back up certain beliefs. "I heard" for instance a statistic that 85% of police murders are committed by black men and aren't reported in the papers because 70% newspaper editors are reverse racists. See what I did there? Some of that stuff is purely made up but some of it comes from 100% fake "viral" articles spread around to get people similarly outraged. To wit: the "I Aborted My Baby -- Because It Was a Boy" story (which is not true.) Anyway, since I am embarking upon a new writing career I thought this could be a good start for me, writing fake outragey articles that people can forward around and say "See? See? I told you this country was going down the tubes!" and then cite at tense family gatherings. Here are some of my pitches.
I Aborted My Baby Because I Felt Guilty He Was White Like Me
I Kicked An Elderly Nun For No Reason And It Was So Funny I Put It On Snapchat
I Hired An Incompetent Woman Of Color Instead Of A Qualified White Male To Work At My Factory And The Factory Burned Down And I Loved It
I Was So Preoccupied Policing My Language That I Walked Into Traffic And A Church Van Swerved To Hit Me And Everybody Onboard It Died
Barack Obama Told Me He's A Muslim While He Raped Me And Now I'm A Muslim Too And My Mission In Life Is To Make All The Children In America Muslim As Well
I Decided To Become Gay Because My White Beta Male Husband Wasn't Satisfying Me And I'm Divorcing Him And Taking Our Kids And My Partner And I Will Raise Them Gay
I Cut A Man's Penis Off Because He Said "Hello" To Me And I Only Served Two Weeks In Jail For It
Don't Even Try To Defend Yourself When I Come To Rob Your House Because I'll Just Tell Everyone You're A Part Of Rape Culture
I Want To Have Sex With The Environment But If It Gets Me Pregnant I Will Have An Abortion
I Was So Sad Jon Stewart Left "The Daily Show" That I Joined ISIS
I Murdered A Policeman Because He Was Not Driving A Low Emissions Vehicle And I'll Get Away With It, Too
I Steal Guns From Elderly God-Fearing Americans In Order To Turn Them Into Pot Bongs And Then Give Them Away To Black Teens