I'm starting a new business venture and the pitch is this: need to say no to somebody but don't know how? I will write your script for you!

A friend pointed out recently that I'm really good at saying "no" on behalf of other people, probably because over the years I've been gradually honing my skills of righteous indignation and ability to give fewer f's of what other people think (see: me realizing that I am indeed capable of telling someone a particular situation doesn't work for me, instead of weaseling out of it with a lie.) Here are a few examples of no's I've crafted for other people:

• Informing a pushy but cheap client that you will not reduce your already-reasonable freelance rate for her. [Sample: "I am also on a budget."]
• Telling a friend that you will not help her out by doing hours and hours of free work for her that she should be doing herself. [Sample: "Sorry, I don't have time to give this the attention it needs!"]
  
  
• Tactfully but directly correcting someone when they've mistakenly assumed something (that you'll help her out with something; that she's invited somewhere she's not) when it would be "nicer" to go along with the assumption but basically put you out a great deal. [Sample: "This is awkward, but the fact is this...I'm sorry for the confusion."]
  
  
• Letting a client know that because they got their feedback to you late, they go to the end of the line of your projects and they don't get to have their work turned around ASAP when you'd already reserved the time for their revisions. [Sample: "This was what we agreed upon. I can get it back to you by this date instead."]

It's probably easier for me to say no on behalf of other people because it's not my personal or professional relationships at stake. Of course I want my friends and loved ones to hold onto the relationships they need and cherish but ultimately I'm not the one who's potentially getting into a tiff with a friend or losing money if said client huffs off (unless it's one of my husband's: he's also a satisfied client of mine.) But I also believe that, at least professionally, a client who walks all over you and doesn't take you seriously professionally isn't one worth having at all. And the same thing with friendships: would you like knowing that your friend secretly hated helping you out/going to your thing but was just too scared to tell you? But I also think that there is something a little refreshing about delivering a "no" that you didn't have to agonize over yourself. If your friend/client reacts badly to the no, it's my fault, not yours! (And also if that happens: they are sucky selfish babies.)

Anyway, I will write a concise, personalized and polite "no" for you at a dollar apiece and deliver them via email. I accept payment via Paypal, personal check, and cash. Results are not guaranteed and there are no refunds. I'm sorry, but that's just my policy (see how good I am at this?)