Check out that fashionable little child over there. I wish I was him. So glamorous.

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I saw this ad in New York magazine and had to take a photo of it:

A photo posted by Claire Zulkey (@klarzulk) on

I sincerely don't get the desire to have a child who gives off the look of trendiness or, as this ad calls it, "glamour." Just from a practical standpoint, paying full price for children's couture is just throwing away money. I ostensibly understand buying an adult-sized coat or pair of boots or purse that is an investment piece that will last you a lifetime, but children's clothes are by definition disposable. They're meant to be outgrown and/or ruined. Of course, I'm aware that for many people that's the whole point--to show off that you have so much money that you're totally fine with spending over $200 on a white hoodie for a 2 year old and any criticism of such practice is just jealousy. Fine, I'm jealous. Give me that money instead.

What's funny is, I don't think high-end fashion for tiny children is an especially good look. Check out that Versace sweatshirt I just linked to, or this Roberto Cavalli pajama set. Maybe it's just my personal taste but I personally believe that even on adults, medusa heads and blue leopard print should be used sparingly, if at all, and give off a certain look (one that says "I'm using the small yacht today because my other one is being cleaned after the fashion model orgy I hosted on it") for adults. Kids are automatically adorable, with their chub and their lips and their eyes and their skin. So it causes visual cognitive dissonance to garb them in flashy (or even subtle) clothing whose message of exclusion and sophistication is in opposition to a child's natural beauty.

Finally, I think high-end clothing for kids basically demands that they stop looking like kids. In the above ad, the little girl looks cute, but let's be honest, the little boy looks absurd. That's a grown man fashion pose right there. What are you supposed to think when you look at him? How sophisticalted he is! How flirty! Man, I wish I could be as cool and self-deprecating as him. Do you think I could get his autograph? (I'm dancing here around saying "He's so sexy!" but that's gross and that's also my point.)

Basically, I don't like it when parents try to teach their kids to be cool. Coolness is something that I think clashes with childhood. Coolness comes with experience, with knowledge, with personality, and frequently with years and years and years of trying desperately to be cool while seeming like you're not trying that hard. One of the best parts about kids is their momentary innocence and lack of self-awareness. Just by dressing them a certain way, you're asking them to give off a vibe of being better than somebody--not only does that kind of already make them look like they're brats (even if they're not), you're just kind of taking away what's best about them, and then all you have is a miniature fashion model, and that's sort of neither here nor there--not beautiful in the way an adult model can be, and not sweet and fascinating the way a real kid can be.

But maybe I'm just jealous because my kid wasn't born to be fabulous. He was born to wear Target.