Sometimes I do something I don't really want to do by telling myself that brings me one day closer to being able to take a day off: exercising, doing laundry, bathing my son, bathing myself. I know there's technically nothing stopping me from just not-doing these things whenever I don't feel like it but I always enjoy taking a break from something when it feels like it's been awhile since I've had a break.

That's how I've been trying to approach lying lately. Not like I have been a notoriously big liar in my day, but I've noticed that people have an inclination to go to a shitty little bullshit excuse when the truth would probably just be fine, and I'm trying to be better about avoiding that particular little lie. Two things came up in the last week where I could have done this--and in fact, was actually encouraged by people to lie when I asked for their advice. Both situations involved readings I had long-ago agreed to do but unexpectedly involved a bigger time commitment than I thought I had agreed to--a rehearsal for one, an hour-plus of socialization time pre-show (plus a long trip to the venue) for the other.

In both situations, I agonized over what was the right thing to do. As a show producer and human being, I certainly would rather put out good, cooperative vibes in the world and don't want to be overly difficult or demanding. But on the other hand, I am pregnant, I am a working mom, I do live further away from the city than I used to--my free time is limited. It's also possible that I'm a little depressed and agoraphobic these days and suffer from inertia.  In both cases, if I didn't go with the flow, I wouldn't technically be going back on any sort of agreement I had already made, but I would not be 100% cooperative if I really did things the way I wanted to/had originally thought I would.

In both situations, friends encouraged me to just make an excuse--that I was sick, or that Paul was sick, or something like that--to get out of the obligation. This is problematic to me on a few levels.

• To use the sick excuse, you have to do it last-minute, which is extra-rude. You can't say on a Friday, "I think I'm going to be sick Sunday night." It's pretty crappy to knowingly screw someone over at the last minute just because you were too scared to say what you really felt.
• Keeping track of the lies. When you make an excuse to somebody for not doing something, you have to keep all your ducks in a row and damn well make sure that you don't go on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or even just say something to somebody that would reveal that you are anything but 100% devoted to this particular lie.
• Bad karma. I say my kid's sick--it's definitely going to be my fault the next time he's sick.
• Everyone can tell when they're being given a shitty last-minute excuse. And so it kind of sucks to force someone to say "Feel better!" when you know they're really giving a double middle finger to the computer screen.

So in both situations I just sucked it up and said what was real. That those things didn't work with what I thought was the agreed-upon schedule and could I continue to participate in the way that I had thought things would operate and I understood if I lost my chance to be part of the show for not going with the flow. Both times the producers of the shows were incredibly kind and understanding and I felt relieved that I didn't have to keep track of some dumb lie and that I had practiced on my truth-telling skills. I didn't back out but I didn't go forward feeling resentful and overwhelmed (I feel overwhelmed a lot lately) by this bigger commitment. More importantly, I had a great time at one event (the other is still upcoming). I was glad I left the house, and a little embarrassed, but not regretful, that I had made my little stink about what worked and what didn't for my schedule.

This all means I'm one day closer to actually getting to use the shitty little lie excuse, that I won't be someone who just lies when it's convenient. Of course, I certainly don't want to use it but you never know--there might be some scenario where I really am dealing with someone who wouldn't be able to accept the truth or for whom it would be kinder to elide the truth, and at least then I will have just one clean shitty little lie to handle and not have to keep track of a lot.