Without a doubt, junior year of high school, the year I spent investigating and applying for colleges, was one of the most stressful of my life (insert obligatory note here about first-world problems.) It was a confusing loop of trying to make myself as attractive as I could to some places I wasn't totally clear I wanted to spend a future four years with. It's a little bit like trying to make yourself ready for a blind date with a very demanding person whose needs you're not entirely sure of and you're not positive but you might either not want to be with them at all or you might want to marry them and you just don't know but you'd better not slack or else they might not like you and then you've missed your chance!!

However, it wasn't such a do-or-die situation, I would have enjoyed the essay portion of the application process. I love receiving writing prompts. Blogging would be so much easier if I had someone nearby tossing me fun topics to write about on a daily basis. So you can imagine my weird sense of pride when I read an article about how my employer, the University of Chicago, has become known for its quirky college essay questions. Since the stakes are so low (one might say nonexistent), I thought I'd take a stab at their admissions questions.

Essay Option 1.
Winston Churchill believed "a joke is a very serious thing." From Off-Off Campus's improvisations to the Shady Dealer humor magazine to the renowned Latke-Hamantash debate, we take humor very seriously here at The University of Chicago (and we have since 1959, when our alums helped found the renowned comedy theater The Second City).
Tell us your favorite joke and try to explain the joke without ruining it.
Inspired by Chelsea Fine, Class of 2016

In my favorite dumb joke, a snail is out shopping for cars. The salesman has him test-drive the Q-model, which is a little too safe and boxy. Then the salesman recommends the snail try out the R-model, which is a huge oversized gas-guzzler. "What about that one?" asks the snail, when they're back on the lot, indicating a sporty little number. "That's the S-model," says the dealer. "It's a fun car but out of your price range." "Well I want a test drive," says the snail, who gets in and immediately falls in love. He zooms all around the streets, back and forth past the dealership, having the time of his life. "Wow," says the dealer, watching the snail. "Look at that S-car go."

This joke is funny for two reasons. First of all, a snail is driving a car. Come on. What is a snail going to do with a car? How can he even reach the gas pedal? Does he even have enough credit to purchase a car? Much less own a driver's license (which would then imply that he's been to driving school?) This is all very funny. Secondly, "S-car go" is a pun. A pun serves two purposes: to torture the person who is hearing it and to delight the person who is telling it. Since I am the one deploying the pun in this scenario (again, one that involves a snail driving a car), it is a mirthful situation indeed.

Essay Option 2.
In a famous quote by José Ortega y Gasset, the Spanish philosopher proclaims, "Yo soy yo y mi circunstancia" (1914). José Quintans, master of the Biological Sciences Collegiate Division at the University of Chicago, sees it another way: "Yo soy yo y mi microbioma" (2012).
You are you and your..?
Inspired by Maria Viteri, Class of 2016

First of all, I am not going to lie: I had to look this question up so my joke answer is "I am me and my lack of Spanish knowledge," but that's not quite true. I believe that I am me and my spinal health. It's quite simple, really. When one's back is in pain, it affects everything else she can do. It affects her outlook and mood. It affects her ability to exercise or sit or conduct the most basic of tasks. Unless she has found the perfect position on the couch with the heating pad just so, her whole life is about her back pain. It infiltrates everything.

But fortunately for me, today, my back is good. My neck is a little stiff, if you're asking (straining during my morning commute to try and keep the sun behind the blinder) but my back is okay, so I have nothing to complain about.

 Essay Option 3.
"This is what history consists of. It's the sum total of all the things they aren't telling us." -- Don DeLillo, Libra.
What is history, who are "they," and what aren't they telling us?
Inspired by Amy Estersohn, Class of 2010

History is everything that has happened after this exact moment has occurred, so it's pretty huge. Therefore, it's no surprise that a lot of it gets omitted, because not everyone is keeping perfect record of what exactly went on. What might be perfectly mundane right this second (what I am wearing, where I am working, what I am drinking) is probably nothing, but it may be of extreme interest in the near future (what if this turns out to be a crime scene?) or distant future (much the way ancient pots are of interest to us now.) The "they" refers to a hierarchical structure of authority and record-keeping. First, "they" (let us call them They 1) are the people who do not take note of what is or has occurred. Then, "they" (for our purposes, They 2) refers to the people who don't pass on, or pass on incorrectly, what may have been recorded. Finally, They 3 are those who decree whether the tales that did manage to be passed on are worth being made "official," i.e. put in history books or taught in schools. They 3 is also commonly known as "The Man" who has decided, occasionally out of willful or malicious ignorance (see: refusing to teach evolution or Native American history) but most frequently due to a relatively innocent case of being too busy, that there is just isn't time to tell it all. It's hard being The Man (according to The Man.)

Essay Option 4.
The mantis shrimp can perceive both polarized light and multispectral images; they have the most complex eyes in the animal kingdom. Human eyes have color receptors for three colors (red, green, and blue); the mantis shrimp has receptors for sixteen types of color, enabling them to see a spectrum far beyond the capacity of the human brain.
Seriously, how cool is the mantis shrimp: mantisshrimp.uchicago.edu
What might they be able to see that we cannot? What are we missing?
Inspired by Tess Moran, Class of 2016

The grass (or seaweed) is always greener (or blue-green or aqua or turquoise or yellowish-brown or whatever variant of "green" the mantis shrimp prefers) on the other side (in this case, under water.) What we're missing is, of course, not that much, because even if the mantis shrimp can see through time, it's still just a goddamn shrimp. I would rather be a human with inferior color receptors than have to live underwater and not get to own a dog or watch HBO or go on vacation or eat chocolate. Whatever we are missing, I don't think it's that great. The mantis shrimp needs to get over itself.

Essay Option 5.
How are apples and oranges supposed to be compared? Possible answers involve, but are not limited to, statistics, chemistry, physics, linguistics, and philosophy.
Inspired by Florence Chan, Class of 2015

Apples and oranges should be compared in terms of which is the better fruit. The answer is apples. A good orange is pretty good unless of course you have a canker sore or chapped lips, in which case it's torture. Of course, a crappy apple (or "crapple") is a drag but at least you can tell with just one bite. With an orange, you have to go through the work of peeling or cutting the orange to get to the disappointing truth. Also, you can get more out of an apple (juice, sauce, pie, dehydrated pieces) than you can out of an orange. The answer is clear.

Essay Option 6.
In the spirit of adventurous inquiry, pose a question of your own. If your prompt is original and thoughtful, then you should have little trouble writing a great essay. Draw on your best qualities as a writer, thinker, visionary, social critic, sage, citizen of the world, or future citizen of the University of Chicago; take a little risk, and have fun.

My question is this: which character traits of your parents' do you most and least hope to emulate? But you cannot make me answer this because I am an adult and already got a college diploma or two.