You
Are a Huge Cubs Fan
I
can understand that it's tough out there for Cubs fans right now and
that finding the right way to express your love for your team might be
challenging. Might I suggest, instead of buying this doll, attending a
game? Or listening to one on the radio? Or buying a Cubs hat? Or just
thinking happy thoughts about baseball? Your precious doll here costs
almost $100, which is money you could be spending on a ticket and one
beer. And not to shame you or anything, but what if, for some reason,
your favorite Chicago Cub (let's say Jeff Samardzija) came by. "I'm a
huge fan!!" you tell him excitedly, and then gesture to your most
adorable Cubs collectible ever. How do you think Jeff Samardzija would
react? Do you think he'd say "Oh my god, I have him too! Don't you just
love him? I call him my Designated Cuddler." Or do you think he'll back
out of the house, slowly?
You
Love Precious Babies
Fine,
okay, some people love precious babies. However, I think there are
healthier ways to channel your love of precious babies than purchasing a
creepily realistic fake version of one. For instance, have a precious
baby of your own. Can't get a baby? Make a friend who has one! Encourage
your children to have some! Or, volunteer at a place where you can
actually help and hold real babies. My worry for you is, if your friends
know how much you love precious little babies and they come over and
see this doll, they will think you kidnapped a real live baby using a
baseball mitt and tried to disguise it in a Cubs uniform.
You
Collect Realistic Sleeping Baby Dolls
I
do not think you should do that.
You
Are a Huge Cubs Fan Who Loves Precious Babies Also Collects Realistic
Dolls
Congratulations!
Apparently you are not alone. Who would have thought those three Venn
Diagram circles would intersect beyond a mere touch? Not me. In this
case, you should treat yourself to two of these dolls, to keep each
other company.
Next
week: Reasons Why Babies Don't Know What Sunday
Night Football is, Nor Do They Really Understand the Passage of Time,
Nor Do They Impatiently Look Forward to Sunday Because They Get to Watch
Football and Thus Why This Did Not Need to Be Captured in Doll Form
Plus Why, Of All Things, Does the Baby Protect Itself Against the Glare
of the Sun But Not Any of the Other Dangers of Football.
