I was watching TV the other day and saw and ad for something called The Champagne Lodge, a place I'd never heard of but that I recognized instantly. No kids...romantic music...busty receptionist...soft focus...personal in-room pools. This was just like the Sybaris!

The Sybaris is a "romantic weekend getaway" featuring three locations in the Midwest and basically they're there for you to have an affair with or without your spouse. Champagne, roses, strawberries and foamy bubble baths: they all are obviously supposed to lead to one thing.

When I was a kid and before I knew the rules of the romantic road, I thought the Sybaris looked like THE MOST FUN HOTEL IN THE WORLD. When I was a child the best part of any hotel was the pool, and the Sybaris featured a.) your own personal pool b.) some of which were shaped like hearts and c.) some of which had their own waterslide. Hello? Mom and Dad, why are you wasting time taking us to Disneyworld when we could just drive up to Waukegan and go to the Sybaris? For some reason, they never took us.

Now I have to admit there is a Midwestern spa type place that I am partial to, partially because I got engaged there, but I maintain it's different from The Champagne Lodge/Sybaris because kids are allowed there, there's golf and wildlife stuff, a well-rated spa and a museum dedicated to toilets. Basically it exists for reasons other than just boning.

So I am still attracted to swimming pools in hotels but I think if I were taken to the Champagne Lodge/Sybaris I'd just feel uncomfortable: everyone working there would know your main goal is to make a baby (or simulate the act thereof, or maybe something else). I couldn't enjoy my champagne and I definitely would feel icked out about the pool. I also just don't think strawberries are sexy, sorry, I don't get where that came from.

I brought up the new Sybaris (IE Champagne Lodge) to some local friends and we are intrigued. We want to know if it is like the Sybaris, and how not, and one friend wanted to know if they allow groups. I'm not going to contact them myself but I would love to hear from real people who stayed at the Champagne Lodge/Sybaris or know someone who did and doesn't mind gossiping about it. I don't need to hear all the stories about what happened there: I just want to know what your room was like and if the hotel staff was winking at you the entire time. Email me, and I will share the story and not use any names. This will be like the sex hotel TripAdvisor.