America, we are sorry for the oil spill. We are going to do everything we can to make it right. We care about the small people. I hear comments sometimes that large oil companies are greedy companies or don't care. But that is not the case in BP. We care about the small people.

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I spoke clumsily this afternoon, and for that, I am very sorry. What I was trying to say -- that BP understands how deeply this affects the lives of people who live along the Gulf and depend on it for their livelihood. When I said "small," I didn't mean you were less important. I'm sorry if that hurt your feelings.

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I chose my words poorly earlier when I said "I'm sorry if that hurt your feelings," because it has been brought to my attention that that does not adequately convey my sincere contrition. Forgiveness please: it was a slip in translation.

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I would like to express my apologies to my translator, who has unfairly taken the brunt of the blame during this difficult time. It is not her fault, and I want the small people to know that.

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Sorry again for the "small people" thing. I'm Swedish; it's really not my fault.

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It is with great regret that I would like to apologize to my wife publicly for having an affair with my translator over the last month. It is not right to her. You know what, while I'm standing here I'm just going to slip another one in: I am sorry to our children. I will do everything I can to make it right.

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Sorry--did you say something?

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Can I just say, this has been the worst day ever.

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It is with humble apologies that I express my sadness over having wasted so much of your time with my ongoing apologies. To be honest, I am just putting off having to go deal with this goddamn son of a bitch shitting cock damn oil spill.

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I would like to publicly apologize to my small Swedish mother, who did not raise me to use such language.