My fiance sent me this story, because he loves me.

Here are my thoughts, in order:

1. The journalistic system in Britain is so far superior to ours it's not even funny. Would the Chicago police let the Chicago Tribune know about something like this? And would the Tribune report on it? I don't think Sam Zell would approve.
2. I think, clearly, that the fire department should have left this thing on. The man was wearing it for a reason (presumably, that he's bad) and they shouldn't mess around. If he was meant to wear a chastity belt, that is god's will.
3. "Firefighter Simon Mitchell did a great job and was especially hands on". I presume that Simon Mitchell is either a rookie or it was his birthday to merit such a glowing quote.
4. "I think the man wanted to use it as part of an S&M sex game with his girlfriend." No. As I mentioned above, this man actually probably needed the belt and the firefighters shouldn't have meddled.
5. "His girlfriend initially seemed to find it funny." The same girlfriend who "realized she did not have the key." This woman is my hero.

That's all for current events today. I have a meditation on the best movie in history, "The Day After Tomorrow," here for the Onion AV Club.