Today is the day to calm down there with the edamame.

So, Paris Hilton is going to prison. Is it the correct punishment for what she was accused of? Maybe not. But let's face it, she probably deserves to spend 45 days in jail for something she did, if not this. But does it feel good knowing that she's going in the clink, the slammer, stir, the big house, the brig, the county hotel, the cooler, the joint, the pen, the pokey? If prison is anything like what rehab is like, looking at Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, no. The schedule is probably something like this:

10 AM: Wakeup

10:15: Mcmuffins and coffee and MTV

10:45: Hair and makeup

11:45 Therapy

12:00: Visiting Hour

1: Lunch

2: Throwing up

3: Cutting out pictures of selves from US magazine

4: Blackberrying

5: Miniature souvenir vanity liscence plate making

5:30: Hacking into enemies' Myspace hour

6:30: Cocktail hour

7:30: Dancing hour

8:30: Dinner: champagne, two shrimp, four Xanax

9:00: Miniature dog therapy

10: Crank calls to supposed friends hour

11: Prayer group

11:15: Pantry trading

11:30: Halfhearted lesbian encounters captured on camera phones hour

12:30: Cocaine break

1:30: Photo shoot for Stuff

2:30: Change into Juicy sweats

2:45: Watch own "True Hollywood Story" until bed.