Today is the day to look around your desk desperately for inspiration.

Who do you have to do in this town to become a high profile madam? I mean, literally? I keep hearing all about this famous D.C. Madam and how she may or may not release her list of client names.

I've been trying to become a high profile madam for some time now. I think it's no secret that that's really been my life's dream and this writing stuff has just been a sideline. It hasn't even been a cover occupation: my desire to become a lady pimp has been totally transparent, from my advertisements on Craig's List ("Seeking freelance whores") to my other blog, "Dear John." But two things really have been holding me back: I have no prostitutes and thus no clients. I'm not sure, maybe it's a chicken and egg scenario. Do the johns come when you build a nice stable of girls? Or do the girls come to me once I've got a few interested clients? All I keep thinking is, "THAT SHOULD BE ME".

I think I would be a really good madam. I'd give the girls lots of tough love (if they have to see the back of my hand, so be it) but take care of my ladies, financially and emotionally. I won't take any crap from my clients, unless, of course, they have a lot of money, but they'll get theirs in the end when I name names in my tell-all book. But that's so far off that I can't even really think of it yet. For instance, I'd like to work out of a nice old house so I could greet my clients in maybe a feathered robe or a big hat or something, with a cigarette holder, but still I just have my studio apartment. It has a queen-sized bed and a fold-out Ikeea futon couch, which, let's be honest, is still more than a lot of people deserve, but it's a humble beginning for my whorehouse.

So this D.C. Madam comes along and basically scares all the fish away--it's pretty hard to get your house of ill repute off the ground when it's suddenly become apparent that it's not safe to have a regular professional piece of ass on the side. It's just making things tougher for me, and thus postponing my dream. Is this not America? It's making me so frustrated that I may have to take down all my beaded curtains and maybe reconsider ordering 1000 plastic laminated copies of 'menus' of services that my hypothetical hos would offer to my hypothetical clients.