Today is the day to skip biology.

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Update: This post was written Sunday evening and it was not crafted with the intent to insinuate that Barbaro's life should be curtailed. I apologize to Barbaro's handlers in case they misinterpreted my post. Regardless, I stand by it and applaud the Big B for taking the classy way out. Good horse.

Whatever, Barbaro

Dear Barbaro the Horse:

I heard that over this weekend you had a 'significant setback.' Which made me sit up and think: you're still around?

Listen Barbaro: I think you should give it up right now. Because I think you've missed your chance to be the next Seabiscuit or whatever that's going to save the world by being fast. Let's say that, miracle of miracles, you get better and race again. Just face it: by then there will be at least three other horses who we love more than you, and you probably will not do that great anyway. You'll sort of be like Michael Jordan, but only if Michael Jordan had played one season, maybe. It was kind of interesting when he came back but it was obvious that by then other younger players had our attention. We were more interested to see how he compared to them than his actual comeback.

The point is, stop making us think about how you're doing. We have a lot of other things on our minds right now. We can't keep you in constant thought and prayer. We have elections to think about, newfound nude photos of Paris Hilton to check out, and other things, etc and so on.

I'm sure you're a good horse and I'm not saying it's time for the glue factory or the dog food factory or the Jello plant or the medical animal testing facility or anything like that. That would be cruel. I'm just saying, we're sick of Britney Spears dangling her triumphant return in front of us. Now we're just tired of looking at her bloated body and realize the Britney we knew and loved is gone forever. There will be no comeback. Now we just want her to go away.

So don't make us wish you went away. If you're an old horse that has to sit in a wheelchair with a blanket in its lap and that's how you live out the rest of your days, well, it's not sexy but it's dignified. Don't constantly send us updates on how you're doing in rehab. Nobody likes a horse that's desperate for attention. It's very unbecoming.

So good luck to you, Barbaro. But please make a good choice about how you'll be remembered: as a class act, or as Jose Canseco?

Sinc.,

Claire Zulkey