Today is the day to drink fancy water.
Looking for Team Pam/Team Karen shirts? Find them here!
Open Letter to the City of New Orleans (and Everyone Else)
Dear New Orleans: How are you? I hope you're doing well, or at least, better than you were previously. I hear things are picking up for you, which I'm happy to hear about. Even Brad and Angelina have moved there, which might be sort of a backhanded compliment, since I wonder if they picked your town because it reminds them of a desperate place that needs celebrities to lighten things up. But then again maybe they did it for the gumbo. Anyhoo, I just wanted to give you a little pep talk. See, I know you love your Saints and all but I want to let you know that I think you should stop believing that a trip to the Super Bowl is going to mean a lot to your city. A trip to the Super Bowl would be nice, sure. But come on, New Orleans. You're bigger than this. You don't need a stupid sporting event to lighten your spirits. You have Mardi Gras, after all. I felt this way back in 2002 when I thought it was lame that people suggested it would be great if New York's sporting teams won something to pep up the city. I admit I am completely biased in that I want the Chicago Bears to win. But I think that if you are truly a progressive New Orleans-er, you'll say to yourself, "You know what, it would be great if the Saints won. But I for one do not need a football title to look forward to the future and pick myself up by the bootstraps and turn this town into a chocolate city or whatever. I'm going to do it on my own, thank you very much!" Plus, seriously, what is going to happen if you win the Super Bowl. You're going to get a parade? Isn't there a parade, like, every day there? So, in the interest of you rising from the rubble, I encourage you and the rest of the country to focus your affections and mental energy on the Chicago Bears, which have sort of a tragic element to them in a way too (Rex Grossman.) It's not untold damages to property and death and displacement tragic, but kinda, you know, emotionally stirring. I believe in you New Orleans. You don't need something so vulgar as the Super Bowl to help you along. You can do it on your own. So please, for your own sake, cheer for the pride and joy of Illinois. Sincerely, Claire B. Zulkey PS I like your beignets.