Today is the day to try to get something for free.

One of the things that makes me so rich and famous is my mind. I'm always thinking, you see. Thinking like a fox.

I read the fashion magazines, because I feel like a prodigy for being able to read them without them making me feel bad about myself. I also like reading them because every once in a while, I'll see something I likethat costs way too much and for a few moments I'll actually consider how bad it would be if I paid $1200 for a purse. "That's less than a month's pay," I'll think. "I can save up rent money." Then I sit back and enjoy whatever fairy land I have just created for myself, before reality sets in again and I feel guilty for taking taxis.

I like purses though. I can't stand having choices when it comes to some things--I get stressed out when I have too many Chapsticks to choose from. But I don't mind having a purse selection. I'm not insane about it--I've never actually paid more than--well, I've never paid anything close to $1200 for a purse.

But I like to look.

This is the era of the 'it bag,' a concept I don't understand because I would never want to own anything fashion-wise that everybody else already has one of. But people will pay big money for these things. I don't even know what the bag of the moment but this summer at Barney's a friend and I got stared out the door of Barney's for making fun of the purses: "Oh look at this Marc Jacobs one. It's only $2000." "That's it?" So the "it" bag obviously costs more than any old regular $2K bag on sale.

I think the key to designing an 'it' bag is to make it relatively rare but not one of a kind. So they make it too expensive or limited edition, or it's made out of gold. It's not just that you bought something super expensive, but that you bought something super expensive that only a few people can get.

So this is why I'm designing an 'it' bag. (This is where the thinking comes into place.) Here's what it's going to look like:

It's going to be approximately the size and shape of a large pizza box, because you don't see many purses in that shape.

The strap will be made of the tail of a lynx.

The closures will be buttons, made of varnished dolphin blowholes.

The bottom will be made of part of the stingray that killed Steve Irwin.

It will be lined with the retinas of harper seals.

It will have an interior pocket taken directly from a baby kangaroo (also known as a 'joey', yes, of course I know that.)

The zipper will be made of gold that is ancient. I'm not sure from where yet.

And it will be adorned with sequins from one of Marilyn Monroe's dresses.

Oh and it will be brown.

You'd think that the materials that make up the purse are rare enough to keep the purse limited, but oddly enough, you can find all these materials in surprising quantities. So I'm only going to make three of these bags, partially because I'm really busy.

So you want to get in on this deal because you will only be penalized for waiting around, as the price will rise the more you wait. But see, get it, the more you pay the better you actually are. But don't wait to buy!

Purse One: $200,000
Purse Two: $500,000
Purse Three: Five million dollars