Today is the day to stop pretending that you have asthma.

Dear InnCom Cable Company:

I am writing to alert you to a simple postal error: I received a bill from your company today, but it was addressed to a Glaire Zulkey, at this same address. I would like you to know that Glaire does not live here anymore.

She did live here, up until just yesterday, but we had a falling out, if you must know.

What was the falling out about, you will inevitably ask when you read this?

That's none of your business.

Never mind, I'm sorry. That was a simple question and it deserves an honest answer. I'm just a little irritated, you see. I still have to clean the blood off the walls and pick up the syringes off the floor. Glaire didn't bother to pick up at all before she left. She was a really bad roommate.

Our troubles started soon after she moved in. It didn't help that our names sound somewhat alike and so she was always talking to my friends on the phone, pretending to be me.

She would also borrow my things without asking, like my underwear, my prescription medicine and my social security number.

She was always picking at her skin in the mirror, which was disgusting, but even worse, she'd start picking at mine while I was sleeping.

The apartment is a studio and she kept promising that she would buy her own bed but until then she kept sneaking into bed with me, which she would wet every other day except on months that have 30 days in which case she'd do it two days in a row as the month changed.

She used all my Q-tips.

She was always smoking cigarettes and putting them out in my shoes.

She never brought groceries. And when she wasn't eating my groceries, she was just indiscriminately throwing them out for no reason.

She held foxhunting parties in the apartment and I am so against hunting.

But these are all just minor things.

So it was all leading up to our big fight. I finally accused her of not paying the cable bill, and then of course we had to have a battle royale, and thankfully, probably because I was sober, I won.

She lives across the hall now. So you'll want her new unit number: #1213.

Many thanks for your time,

Glaire, I mean Claire Zulkey